CLEAR, CLEAR, CLEAR!!!

Can you believe it I was so excited about my new adventure and blogging about it that I forgot to mention the small fact that my biopsies came back clear, got the news last night! How cool is that. Delirious and I'm sure the head thing is a trapped nerve, I just need to go see the physio.

Off to Marrakesh next weekend, can you believe its our 10th wedding anniversary. Yes yes sun eventually, pray for me that there isnt a blooming monsoon or something, be just my luck.

Got to dash keep promising to go to the gym and havent gotten there yet....... so I'm going right now.

Love from
T

New Blog Address

I'm into my new blog in fact it looks a lot sexier than this one ;-) Hope you enjoy the ride or read whichever way you want to look at it!

http://hopeandkindnessdiary.blogspot.com/

Love from
T
x

New Blog coming soon !!!!

Yes Bloggers I have something new to talk to you about, hoo bloomin' rah!

Me and a bunch of other fearless females (well a couple of hairy blokes too including my hubby, coming to hold our suitcases, and hands frankly if there are any scary snakes or spiders) are going to Kenya from 26th November until 5th Dec this year to work with a small charity which runs an orphanage and school there (its called Hope and Kindness). We are going to try and raise as much money as we can both before and hopefully afterwards and do as many things as we can while we are there to help them both from a practical perspective but also helping them manage their lives, planning, running a business etc too. We are all really excited, you can feel the excitement and energy when we are together. No surprised but I have volunteered to be blog meister and we are going to record a video diary so watch for the new blog address to sign up to which i will post here soon with some piccies and link to video too............

Love from
T

Can you believe it I am writing this whilst being filmed for Macmillan!

Yes bloggers, every blogger has their day and I'm just having mine.

I told you Macmillan wanted to hear my story well they've come round with the camera crew to film it. Oh goodness if only I knew how to blowdry my hair properly! I'm sure I needed a bit more blusher too, well anyways you'll be able to see for yourself soon.

So here I am at the kitchen table doing my speed typing (well trying anyway) whilst someone films me, slightly boring if you ask me, I mean who wants to film someone typing. They were filming me in the front room just now and a blooming monster spider ran across, distracting poor tessa (nice lady interviewer)!!!! I was very grown up and didnt scream. Goodness its hard typing under pressure I mean what do I say, it needs to flow, and they are still filming me. Where is my wit it has desserted me. Of I go out to the garden now.....

Tessa just asked me if I'd done this before, NO! I said, it all feels very unnatural, I feel so unprepared and speaking too much, too fast. OK OK what else is new.

Phew they've finally gone and I can rest and let my tummy hang out now.....

More laters, off to plan a party now, I know I know cant help myself, I just love organising charity balls, March 2011, yeah!

Busy Blogger!!!

Another week bloggers, where does the time go, sure I had a week off but I really cant remember it now. Did I say somewhere in my previous blogs that I would slow down after all of this was over, no probably not knowing me, and just as well, I am a stupid workaholic. So many personal things and people I dont get around to, makes me feel bad about myself, managed to finally get a couple of cards in the post today that I've been meaning to send.

Had my biopsy the other day, he said there is now a dimple where the tumour was, most people want dimples in their cheeks but me I've got to be have clever and have one in my arse! gotta wait a couple of weeks though now to get results, I think its all good, thats what my gut is telling me anyway. Head things not so good though, left a message for the Oncologist, no response, she probably thinks i'm mad. I think its probably stress related, why do i keep focusing on what I dont get done rather than what i do!

Spoke to Macmillan today, she loved my story about the ring of fire playing while I was getting burnt at radiotherapy, how can you live without humour, anyway they are coming next week to talk to me, bit exciting and daunting at the same time, I mean I want to help but does anyone really want to hear what I have to say and what the hell is my hair going to look like more to the point (they are bringing cameras with them) ;-) Hairdresser is busy so I'm on my own! I hate my voice and my picture, not a good start, you never stop being vain unfortunately. I spoke to her about my scar, I am realising more as time goes on how traumatised I am by the stupid thing, more vanity..... We also spoke to the guy from the Kenyan orphanage yesterday, hubby is coming with me, I think we are in for more shock than we think, worse than our wildest dreams but hopefully it will give us perspective. Connor was asking where the tv will go, that is funny, sweet and shocking at the same time, we can build a whole house for less than we would spend on a tv, cant get my head around it. I have so much and I bet those guys would give me whatever they have, I am definitely going to do a blog while I'm there, probably a video one, if you know my hubby you just know its going to be funny seeing how he deals without tv, sky + and an x box!

Well bloggers off to bed shortly so signing off for now. You notice no speak of exercise, maybe tomorrow, wine was better prospect tonight and scoffing a bit of chocolate in front of hubby. Tell you what if I'm going to have to give him a £100 for not eating chocolate for a month (eating everything else in sight instead of course!) dont ask long story and stupid bet I should have known it would just mean he would start eating packets of ginger biscuits instead. I really need to start getting my monies worth, I've been way too nice............so far. x

A month without a blog!!!

Well almost, what is going on with the world, call myself a blogger! I guess my excuse is that I have been mega busy and I guess although now I reflect I actually have done a lot it didnt feel like it until now.

So what has been going on then since my bootcamp. Well i'm a bit quicker since I did that first run around Virginia Water, 8 minutes quicker to be precise but I must say I haven't done as much running as I promised myself. Quite a bit of walking and other exercise though so all is not lost, well not yet anyway. We've just come back from a week in Cornwall (cant believe it finally came, I remember so vividly planning it months ago and writing about it in my blog), we took the uber cool camper van and went and stayed at a great place (Retallack Resort), definitely recommend it, the flow rider is great fun. My partner in crime from the bootcamp (Michelle) was with me for the weekend plus Annabelle and Nick and all the kids of course. Such fun, didnt do a lot apart from drinking to be honest but never mind, and I didnt do much exercise during the week either, well three exercise classes (in the smallest sweatiest studio you've ever seen with mental marie getting us all banging into each other, oh yes that was just me and betty) and some walking, i thought we would be walking for miles but we really didnt have the time with the whole flowrider thing ;-) I didnt do it, what with the infections,back and all but I would have loved to, made me feel old and boring and untrendy mum but it was lovely watching the smile on connors face.

The weekend before I was so impressed with him, we walked around 12 miles from Sandbanks to Swanage along the cliff path, over beaches etc (even a nudist beach, now that was interesting, men running in the nude, we all flinched at that). So you see bloggers I am starting to do what I promised and showing connor the UK, trouble is its so blooming expensive I might have to give it a break for a month or so, I know i know i could go camping or something and do it on the cheap but if you had seen the weather last monday in cornwall you wouldnt think it was such a good idea trust me!

So health wise bloggers you may wonder what is going on, given i've decided to write another blog it normally means something is going on right. Well yes, I cant seem to get rid of dreaded infections, nothing really bad, just a kind of lingering itchy, yucky feeling, I've had horrid antibiotics that meant I couldnt drink for a week and creams and potions but its still there. I do have my biopsy finally this week though which is a good thing. Tiredness, overwhelming tiredness at the moment, I think maybe the whole treatment thing finally caught up with me. Oh and one last thing, you cant help it, you and those around you get really paranoid whenever you have any little thing, things you would definitely have ignored before but now of course its all potentially cancer. Scary really but i've had this thing going on in my head for the last week or so, like when you turn it too quickly and it jars but even when i havent done it if that makes sense, and the last two days, like mega headache time, yesterday I couldnt do anything and today it kind of went a little bit but has come back with avengence in the last hour or so. I thought it was because I havent been drinking enough water but drunk gallons of the stuff today. So I guess here I am stuck with being a hypochondriac, phil has made me promise to go to the doctors which I cant really not do but I feel stupid I'm sure its nothing, (well 90% of me is), maybe I'll just contact my oncologist and see what she thinks.....

And now on to the good things in life (well apart from my family of course ;-) along with some other lovely ladies from work (and a couple of hairy blokes) we've finalised a trip to go help an orphanage in Kenya at the end of November, something I've wanted to do for such a long time. I've also contacted Macmillan, I said if I could help anyone I would so what better way to do it than through them. No idea what I'm going to do exactly but they are coming to see me at the end of September to hear about my story. ;-) So maybe some more stuff to blog about after all. Sorry it wasnt a funny one today but the head just didnt allow.

Night all.

Bikini Body Babes - Yep thats what we are!

Well bloggers what a weekend, I have not laughed so much for so long for an awful long time! And can you believe I came home today and went for a 4 and a half mile run round virginia water lake, I really dont know what came over me and I cant blame anyone else except myself because it was all my idea, the thing is I made it, still cant believe it and neither can my legs, boy are they hurting now, god knows what they will be like by the time morning comes....

So back to 6.45am yesterday morning and thankfully no hangover, good start when you are going to be exercising all day. Its embarrassing to write it down and honest we dont have an alcohol problem and of course we were on the bikini bootcamp but we still managed to down a bottle of champers and 4 glasses of wine each, good job we started early! I think Drill Instructor Mike got the measure of us pretty quickly because when they messed up our beauty bookings so they werent at the same timem as way of consolation he got them to give us a free bottle of champers, not that I'm complaining mind.

Breakfast was three little bowls of fruit and some yummy kind of porridge, muesli thing. Mummy Mumma (thats the rather large coloured lady) asked if there was any more after that, think she was looking for a bacon sarnie, she wasnt impressed when Mike said she shouldnt have her cup of tea, caffeine not good before a long day exercising apparently. Actually her and her daughter, Baby Mumma were quite nice and rather interesting but clearly not that experienced in the exercise department. Still cant really work out why they were there given that Mummy Mumma didnt/couldnt do half the stuff! Sian the pharmacist is the slowest eater on the planet I have decided and Raymondo is a close second..

So off we set at 7.30am for a brisk hour and a half walk, followed by circuits. Raymondo didnt disappoint in his sexy outfit, couldnt do boxing because he crashed his microlight it turns out?!?. We were at this point joined by Drill Instructor Number 2, his name is Mark, its all M's! At the end of each circuit (we had to do three, on the sand, 2 long gruelling hours) we had to throw a die and take the challenge, what do we get, jump in the pool first (save that for the end) and then cha cha cha (very amusing watching the instructors, they didnt like that one) and then a crab race, which of course I won. Then its jump in the pool time, Raymondo took his top off, Michelle had to stop me grabbing his moobs and beer belly, the rest of us did our Wet T Shirt look. So whats next, finally some real food (michelle and I were so starving we nicked half the bread rolls) and then a cross country bike ride. I'm in my padded shorts, no flies on me, Raymondo and Cabbage Patch Sian (sorry but just realised today thats what she looks like) are in their Jeans!!!!! Only brought one set of clothes they say. Gross, I'm like you are not seriously going to do this exercise in your jeans. Raymondo comes back with drawstring shorts on, OMG me and my big mouth, even more gross now. He is soooo competitive (well he had to be decent at something) and right up Mark's arse (small but perfectly formed as Michelle said). How muddy, we are like slipping all over the place, my white trainers are black, my face and arse covered in mud but really really exhilarating if a little scary and very hard work. I like the grove, so laid back, we go into the studio covered in mud, honest, to do our fitball class and stretching, cabbage patch sian, still in her jeans, honestly. Michelle says their stretching looked like foreplay, I am laughing hysterically but couldnt bring myself to look. Michelle fell of her fitball, I am laughing so hard at her I fall off mine too, that will teach me!

Next a relaxing treatment, that was everyone else's not mine, mine is a pretty rough scrubbing and massage but its good none the less. Little cat nap required at that point, on my own as you will remember cos of mess up on treatment times, michelle wakes me up with champers, oh ok then I say. We polish that off quicker than you can say jack robinson and try and gatecrash a couple of weddings on the way to dinner. Seriously we had to walk through both to get to the restaurant, we could have gone for it but how could we miss another fantastic night with the misfits!

We are exhausted, literally eat and stagger back off to bed and deep slumber, today we discover that Raymondo and Cabbage Patch Sian stayed for hours so they could keep tucking into the free buffet. Turns out they only won the blooming trip, at a pharmaceutical conference, wonder if Raymondo wore his shorts to that. This morning she comes to breakfast in lilac hotpants. Yikes. She says all this spa kind of stuff is not top of her priority list, frankly looking at her cellulite it should be (hell we've all got it but dont need to show the stuff off , I could see that holey cheese from last night I swear it), maybe her priority is staying white, she is milk bottle, only one thing worse than brown cellulite in lilac hotpants, you got it its white cellulite. Sorry if I sound like a cow, just saying what everyone thinks and really nothing terribly personal, sure she is a lovely lady really. Sorry but after the courgette thing I cant warm to Ray so I'm not going to say he's nice, tight wad, complaining he had to sign for our dinners last night (thats cos he ate enough for the lot of us!) as if he was going to have to pay for them. Some people! Plus I saw as he was checking out today that he had nicked the extra bikini butt bag we were given, saddo.

Well my story is nearly over, we believe it or not went for more punishment in the gym, we were feeling good. All I can say is running isnt my strong point and balance isnt Michelles, we had a real giggle and poor Mike showed us some more exercises, sure he was glad to see the back of us all, little does he know we will be back for more. Totally totally worth every penny we loved it and they are going to do a ski bootcamp apparently, sign us up!

Night Night, hope you enjoyed the read...

T
x

An imposter in our midst!!!! No Ifs, no butts....

OMG, there is a man on bikini bootcamp what is the world coming too, first we see Vanessa Feltz getting married, not literally but she was a very good look alike (her boobs (each one) were bigger than michelle's head!). She probably should have been on bootcamp but instead we got the motley crew:

A mother and daughter combo - training for 3 months prior to coming and still 5 stone overweight, EACH!
The ugly sisters - one has eaten a lemon, the other ate the whole bag, and she ate a Pizza for dinner ! Michelle said we could have a glass of wine cos they were on mojitos, they were non alcoholic it turns out......
Then there is the Scottish Widow, he's not dead but he's got a space at the table! She's called Pamela but hasnt got the boobs to match.
To complete the group is the pharmacist (never had a facial before, or shaved her face although she should have) and her HUSBAND (RAY) the plumber, we know what he's servicing! Yes a bloke on bikini camp, they met at the rotary club, they are soooooo fit, he cycles 1.5 miles a day! He had to take a photo of us and then strop when I nicked one of his courgettes accidentally. He is soooo hunky, michelle and I are fighting over him, NOT!!!!! pictures to follow, the thought of him in his cycling shorts, how exciting.
And then there is the lipstick lesbians, thats us.
Needless to say we had to come to bed early from dinner for yet another drink, yes this is the reality behind bootcamp (yes Ray it is a bikini bootcamp even though you claim not to know that), you drink a couple of bottles of alcohol just to survive it. Have we done anything yet I hear you ask apart from sup a bottle or two, well yes we've been drilled by Mike the drill instructor and split in half by the yoga teacher (show off!) who was trying to get us to do the "fish" amongst other things. At the end she said something like AMUFU DAYA, the woman next to me (double ugly sister) repeated it as "have a nice day"!!!!

God we've had such a laugh already and we havent even started yet. Loads more material where that came from. Off for a alcohol induced kip before our 6.45am wake up call.

Love from the lesbo's XXXXX

Bikini Bootcamp here I come!!!

I am so excited to be going to boot camp tomorrow...... not really sure what to expect but a bit of girly chatter, a teensy bit of exercise and lots of luxury oh and maybe a glass or two of champers what more could a girl wish for! Michelle has told me that one of the classes we have is the type of yoga that includes chanting, heaven help us, I just cant help being naughty I just know I'm going to giggle or something. Havent packed yet, havent even thought about what to take so guess who's going to be rushing around tomorrow morning. I shall let you know all about it when I get back, I really should have had a permatan done so I could fit in ;-)

I met a very very lovely lady today, life does some funny things which put you in touch with people you would never normally meet, its an awesome thing though, us women god we are strong, beautiful, amazing creatures. Men please take note! On the subject of notes, one to self, dont try and drink water from large bottle when driving down the motorway in the fast lane, thank goodness it wasnt from the chiller as it went right in my lap, yikes.

God I really must go to bed I need my beauty sleep I've got surrey housewives to compete with tomorrow dont you know! I watched mistresses earlier, what a disgustingly smutty girly program that is, probably why I love it and now i'm watching undercover boss, oh my god what a job, sorting rubbish on the picking line, and one of the poor guys had cancer, I feel so bloody fortunate. My hubby needs to watch this programme he says its pointless doing recycling, he always chucks everything in the same bin! Missing my hubby, he's in South Africa, tells me its tough but hes at a lodge going on safari in the morning, I am sooooo jealous, I want to go back on safari like so bad. The spider we found this morning could have come from one, must have been the big brother of the one i flushed down the kitchen sink last night. Absolutely massive, I'm talking fangs and everything, we were all running round the lounge this morning too scared to even squish the thing in case it ran behind the sofa, unlucky personal trainer that was his first job of the day.

Anyway off I go, bet you cant wait for my next blog ;-)

T

Officially a Cancer Survivor!!!!!

Yes I really cant believe it, even three days later, I'm still in shock about thursday's news! Well I guess like they say no news is good news, so the fact they kept me hanging around for the outcome was because it was good news right. It was so bizarre, we hadn't even managed to sit down before Dr Essapen said the scans were clear, hubby had to ask her outright, did that mean I was in remission, yes she said. I think we both wanted to cry at that moment, I really cant explain the rush of emotions but it was pretty huge. I really didnt thank her properly we just had a chat about sore bits, fissures, dilators (dont ask) and other such lovely subjects and I was on my way. We snuck to the pub for a sneaky drink on the way home to celebrate, still was in shock. What a week, used my beautiful gift my team gave me and sat in the spa all day wednesday and then my baby came home Wednesday night and then this on thursday, all I needed was to win the lottery to make it the perfect hat trick, needless to say I didnt win the lottery but hubby did go and buy me a personalised numberplate on Friday, bless him, so it was pretty close to being the perfect week. Would be even better if it was in my name so I could actually use it on my car, men bless them always miss the small details ;-)

Friday I got a phone call from Dr Essapen's and then Dr Bearns secretary (they sure dont hang around) to arrange for me to see him before he went on hols. He is such a nice man, said he really remembered telling me and it was very upsetting for him which kind of surprised me as he does it all the time, he said sometimes people touch him (bet he says that to all the girls) and that I was very young so it had bothered him, he hasnt seen me since so we had a good chat about things. I confessed the scar from the portacath still really bothers me, seems to have quite a bit of scar tissue around it from what I can feel. Sounds really vain but if I had known what a scar it would leave I think I may have risked infection through a PIC line into the arm. I know I know it sounds dreadful but this thing on my chest reminds me every time I look at myself of the cancer. Maybe its good that I dont forget but I really did quite like that bit about myself before and I'm quite self conscious about it now. You'd think I'd cover it up if that were the case but I dont really. I am an odd sort ;-). Anyway to cut a longer story shorter he needs me to use a load of lotions and potions around the bottom area and take some nasty antibiotics, definitely no drinking with them and he said they can make you feel really ill but they will really help me sort things out "down there" so guess I'll be taking them then!

Had a lovely day yesterday, we went to Ascot with Connor, started out really boring but ended up having impromptu party at our house with all the football crowd, good fun but little headache this morning. Had to drop hubby at airport early this evening, really really odd as he's just been here for the last 4 months, I shall really miss having him here, I've grown really used to him being around again. Betty has clearly been taking blonde lessons over the weekend, she really surpassed herself this evening, resulted in me looking up bizarre things on the internet and having a very large glass of wine! Beyond that my lips are sealed, well for a little bit anyway.

Bootcamp next weekend, something to look forward to, how many outfits will I need for all this sweating I will be doing I wonder. Would we be terribly naughty if we snuck champagne in to have at the end of our virtuous days? sod it we are going to do it anyway. I think I will have a blogging frenzy next weekend, all those surrey housewives, bound to be a story or two in there for you all! People keep asking me what on earth I'm actually going to be doing but lets face it this is a bootcamp at the grove, so frankly it's all a bit easy, they are probably very famous last words but put it this way, the biggest loser it isnt, the only thing I'll be losing is my dignity if i'm not careful... God I hope there are some super unfit people at it. I ran up and down the drive four times yesterday trying to get in shape for it but my running up hill is pathetic, honestly a snail could do it faster, only good thing is I'm a stubborn cow so although its really really slow i dont stop running. Now just an odd aside I keep meaning to mention, I had stopped sweating must have had something to do with the cancer although I cant find reference to it anywhere but I definitely wasnt sweating for the last year or so when I exercised but now I do, really odd that one isnt it.

Saw my little bro this evening (well actually hes rather a large little bro), he goes to Uni in America on thursday, cant believe it where does time go, we will miss him particularly Connor who just adores him, took my mind off being in the house alone though, really really dont like that even though I am brave supermum it can get a bit scary up here on your own, if you let it.

And that my beautiful blogging fans is it for tonight, hacked off that so sleepy every afternoon and then seem to get "past it" and be up til 1am, no wonder I feel tired all the time. Actually getting the all clear seems to have released some major stress stuff because I have been really really tired ever since, I think its like when you stop at christmas or when you go on holiday and then you get sick. Hope I wont get something now.

Busy week ahead so must go. Nite Nite x

Year End Blog!

Yes I know not strictly year end for most people but it was Cisco's year end last week so have been super manic the last couple of weeks. Not allowed to really talk about these things but I personally did alright, hip hip hoorah!

Back to the business in hand though, I'm feeling the need to have a bit of a rant, not about the shocking service at the alexander pope pub in Twickenham we were in today, although they are very worthy of it (so bad it was funny) but about the medical profession. What is it with the secrecy thing, do they have some pact they sign which says dont tell anyone anything? I truly havent known what is going on the last couple of weeks, I was kind of aware that it was scan time but it wasnt until I rang up my oncologists secretary that I realised I did need both a CT and MRI scan and that only one lot had contacted me, so when i called about the MRI they said they had it down to call me in August go figure. Well anyway I had had both of those scans by last tuesday and so I settled down to wait for news (actually I was busy with year end but it was at the back of my mind), absolutely nothing, not a peep all week but then on Friday I open a letter that says I have an appointment for this Thursday. Call me old fashioned but couldnt they have telephoned with that news instead of sending me a letter that might not even have got here! And so now I'm left wondering is this normal, I mean they sent it the very same day I had the MRI scan should I be worried? and then I thought I'll take a little peek at the pictures they gave me, trouble is someone like me has no idea what they are looking at, those black blobs are probably an organ or a poo or something, best not I thought having scared myself to death and put them back. So here is my point what would have been wrong in telling me a month ago that this is exactly what would happen, I needed to chase up the scans, wait for my letter, perfectly normal, nothing to worry about and see you the week after. What could be so hard in doing that, of course you know the answer, it would break their air of mystery wouldn't it, fancy having a patient that had nothing to worry about.

Anyway enough of that I will tell more after Thursday obviously, although just one last thing I was quite smug after having the MRI last week as the woman after me was freaking out cos she couldnt do it. Can you believe you couldnt do something that might be imperative to your health, I wanted to shake the stupid woman, but she already was, honest she was actually shaking with fear, unfortunately I am a seasoned mri goer so I hardly notice the claustrophobia these days, couldnt see what her problem was ;-)

Connor - yes my little monkey, if you read this blog regularly you will know he is now in Slovakia with betty and I'm bereft. Phil is missing him but it just cant be as bad as me, honestly I feel ill with missing him, it is totally totally awful not to have him here I just cant describe it but I dont like it one little bit. We've had to leave him before to do work things but we've never been in the house and him be away and it just feels massive and cold and soulless. We've had a lovely chilled out time just worrying about ourselves, going to the gym, going out and that but it's just not right. I MISS HIM SO BAD it hurts if you didnt already notice. I think he misses us too but he's having a great time, charming the pants off all the slovakians and just so confident. The language thing just doesnt seem to be phasing him at all. He so defines me and when he comes back I am going to be so needy I'm going to drive him mad. Ok ok I will shut up about this now but one day in the future he can look back at my little diary here and know how special he is to me, the woman who didnt really want kids! Anyway I can not wait to pick him up on wednesday night, I think Daddy and I will do a little poster for him! We did him some little videos the other day on my new gorgeous Iphone 4, we are so soft. Phil unfortunately managed to completely freeze and basically kill his Iphone yesterday, as Connor said serves him right for gloating about getting his first, if he'd only given it to me. We spent half the day yesterday trying to fix the silly thing, they are fab until you have your whole life on one and it freezes then they are just awful!

The fitness regime is now down to me, I did my two weeks so I've got to keep it up now, particularly with my boot camp coming up, wish I would stop eating crap though, crap in, crap out as they say, ok toilet humour, never was any good at it, still bleeding, not good, another thing to mention on Thursday. Honestly though in pretty good shape physically and mentally all things considered so giving out all my strength to people that need it more than me right now.

Dreaming of my boy being home giving me big cuddles.
Night
X

Hot Tub Tastic!

Yes hoorah the hot tub is now hot, hot, hot!

Phil's family came down from Nottingham last night so we all piled in it, phil had to get a bucket and take out some of the water as it was overflowing, not a very sophisticated solution but it did the trick. Champagne was made for hot tubs, lovely lovely and much needed after my week of exercise. None of my muscles hurt though, whats that all about, maybe its true that stretching before and afterwards really does help or maybe its because I havent done enough cardio, or maybe I just have buns of steel, uhhh no they definitely jello'd with lack of exercise. Of course what do you need on a friday night when you have been saintly with the exercise, thats it a huge big plate of fish and chips of course. I never used to eat fish and chips, what is going on with me.

Very proud of connor for completing his sailing week, he had a bril time, next week Slovakia, I cant believe he's going away without me for a week I will so miss him, my baby is nearly as tall as Nana already, he's monster size and absolutely gorgeous, and a complete cheeky monkey of course. He is in the hot tub as soon as his eyes open every morning he just loves it.

Work is manic and less said about it this week the better, a load of our deals didnt book in time to count for the week so all the pressure will be on the last week of the fiscal, fantastic.

I have my MRI scan on tuesday morning, I didnt realise that I had to have both, then apparently I get discussed by all the doctors and presumably at some point they will tell me what they are thinking.

Had a quite deep conversation with my friend the other day who also has had cancer, about chances of us getting through an avg life span expectancy without it coming back, I thought about not mentioning it in my blog but its the reality and you know me, say it how it is. We both concluded that you cant dwell on it and something is going to get all of us, maybe we just know what ours will be. On the other hand a lovely colleague of Phil and mine from the german office at work had a freak accident and died a few days ago, so you know what, just enjoy life, you just never know what is around the corner. Sorry didnt mean to be morbid there but I did want to show that even though I'm extremely positive you do sometimes think about the things that are left unsaid.

Off to amuse the family now, well I'll start with a cuppa anyway ;-)

Lots of love from

T

The Hot tub has landed, but........

By this point I should be raving about the amazing hot tub experience, after my first exercise session in months, how I soaked my sore muscles in amazing hot bubbles, drinking a glass of champagne and enjoying the stars. Well you can stop the image right there because although the lights are very pretty and the jets look amazing its absolutely blooming freezing, the heater does not appear to be functional. I want to use a lot of swear words right now and Wrighty, well he is hopping mad! Boo Hiss....Major bummer, excuse the pun.

Anyway guess what, first thing this morning more exercise, Day no. 2 of 10! yes not one to do things by halves I have my personal trainer last or first thing every day for these next two weeks. Only way to get back up to speed fast and as you can tell in certain ways I cant slow down, wish I could but I just cant, instant results is what we like to see ;-)

I was in the office yesterday bumping into more people I hadnt seen for a while, one of them was someone whose wife is just starting this awful journey, my heart really really goes out to them. He said my blog really helped them so if you are reading this be strong both of you and it will be OK! It wont seem like it sometimes but I do believe with a positive attitude and your friends and family around you it will be ok in the end, and it brings you closer to the special people in your life. And in my case has calmed me down, I just cant be bothered to get stressed about some of the things that used to really bother or irritate me, apart from my hot tub not working! Hmmm, maybe I havent changed at all.

Back to my own personal health, called to get my scan booked yesterday and gosh they are pretty fast, its at 530pm today, yukky CT one with the dye. Why am I so nervous, I wont even get any results I guess its just that next step closer to hearing whether I have the all clear or not. I honestly cant close this chapter of my life until I hear those words, I feel very in limbo at the moment, almost dream like, carrying on as normal with this big weight in the back of my mind.

Anyway PMA its all going to be alright so off to the gym now, I just know I'm so going to be in pain by the end of the week if not before but honestly I'm getting flabby bits on my flabby bits, dont do the plank, yikes!

T

Post Holiday Blues!

Hi all,

as you probably can tell I tried very unsuccessfully to post a blog from my mobile whilst on holiday but failed miserably! Yep just got back yesterday morning, we should have got back the night before but due to some miserable sods there was trouble in airspace paradise and so we got majorly delayed getting home so the whole weekend has passed in a washing/tidying up frenzy.

We all had a lovely time in Italy, the mozzies loved Phil particularly he was bitten all over, we loved the heat but only during the day, it was awful when we were trying to sleep at night but it was lovely to see Natalie and Maurizio and the family. Betty gave us some more bettyisms (leopards losing their stripes was one comment I seem to remember) and she burnt her derriere on the last day, tried to tell her but she wasnt listening, her new nickname is Baboon Bottom, need I say more. And surprise surprise I came home with a few extra pairs of shoes, Nat and I just couldnt resist a bit of retail therapy now could we.

The day before we left was David and Nina's wedding, a truly lovely day, I loved it and my new outfit although I had a major blub at some of the words that were said by the vicar, just a bit emotional these days ;-0 Lots of love and happiness to them for their future life.

How am I on the health front I hear you ask, well still suffering from the radiotherapy effect, sometimes I really do worry that I shall make it to the bathroom in time, its concerning me and there are other problems too, bit too personal for this blog but suffice to say hot sun and swimming pools didnt help much, I hope they sort themselves out soon but will try and speak to oncologist about them I think. My chest wound wont heal either which is really really annoying but got a message to book my ct scan so that is next thing to do tomorrow.

Two weeks to go until year end now so bit of a busy time ahead. Connor is going to do a dinghy course next week and then off to Slovakia for a week, hard life for some. What have I got to look forward to, a hot tub thats what and a lot of trying to get fit again. Personal trainer tomorrow night, hoping the new hot tub will be up and running (gets delivered tomorrow afternoon) and hot so I can get in afterwards.

Goodnight!

T

Trying again!

Viva italia!

What a few days!!!!!

Hey bloggers,

really I should have written before now but its been such a full on few days I didnt get the chance, mainly because I seem to be full time back to work and socialising!!!!

Thursday was first day back in the office for a European Mgmt meeting, it was amazing, felt like I was minor celebrity with a birthday or something, everyone coming up to me wishing me well and saying how great I looked, JD and I back to smutty selves, how rude can an Iphone be, well very when you are totally silly and have a smutty sense of humour like I do. Could the day get any better? yes actually not because I went to see ovary man as I now call him, he is lovely, the most friendly, chatty consultant I've been involved with yet. We chatted quite a while about how technology can help the public sector (get me), anyway he was very pleased with me, my scars and my ovaries of course. Told me my slight urgency shall we say on occasion to go to the loo is totally normal side effect of all the radiotherapy and hopefully it will sort itself out! Bloods to check hormone levels and basically I dont need to see him again unless anything goes wrong which of course it wont! Yes good meeting but hardly amazing but what was amazing was then picking up my new mini. Oh yes my baby is here, suggestions for a name on a postcard please. It is so awesome, I just totally love it, apart from the indicators which I cant get used to! No seriously it is fabulouso. Loving the fact I can plug the iphone in and not have to keep re-tuning the radio to pick it up.

So friday I trundled up to Bournemouth in the new motor (lots of admiring glances) for my team meeting and then we went out on boats and jet skis (i was not on the jet ski I hasten to add!) zooming around looking at the posh sandbanks houses. Cool and then out party partying. Was lovely to see the team out and enjoying themselves, we all had a wicked time.

Yesterday, groove at the grove, another drinking evening, guess I'm back to normal then. Betty and I scared everyone at the front with our dancing to the Bee Gees of all things. No hubby though unfortunately as he was out partying in Nottingham with a Naked Man (Dave the Stag!). Lucky him.

And now the pinnacle of my few days, taking Connor to a football tournament, yippee!!!! At least the sun is shining and I can go in my new car with the roof down, there is a god, truly.

Tomorrow and Tuesday - two days of meetings in the office, going to need a holiday after, just as well i'm going to Italy on Friday then. Tee hee.

Take care and enjoy the sunshine, football is calling me.

T

Terrific Tuesday!!!!

Hi Bloggers,

Are you missing me, sorry not to be writing every day but it feels a bit indulgent to write a blog now something isnt happening every day, well obviously something is but not always something terribly interesting to write about!

Yesterday was just an amazing day, personal shopping is the way forward, no sore feet, no hot and bothered persona, no feeling exhausted and no feeling like you really need to stop for a glass of champagne. It was on tap, tee hee. I was truly truly spoilt by lovely hubby and if anyone is reading this that has cancer and can't afford quite such a luxurious treat just go have your hair, nails done or go buy a tshirt or two, even that will really lifts your spirits, honest I've done those things too so can speak with some authority on the subject ;-) Had to laugh, we left our stuff there to be packed up while we went to have a little looksey and hubby asked when was best time to come back, meaning when was best time to come back and pick up what we had just bought to which the personal shopper replies "in a couple of weeks when all the new collections are in!". At that point Phil's credit card was trembling in his pocket, I dont think it will be coming back out for a while ;-) Got some gorgeous stuff though and feeling confident about looking nice next week at Dave and Nina's wedding, especially as my dress covers my nice new "hairy" scar (yep stitch still hasnt come out yet). You know everyone says they cant see it but of course they can, they are just being polite, what they really mean is it doesnt bother them and its not that bad but of course to you its right there, bit like having a great big spot on the end of your nose!

I am feeling really really upbeat and spent pretty much all day monday working and have quite a lot coming up that means being back in the office quite a bit as of tomorrow, so its kind of back to normal I guess on the work front. I have really mixed feelings about that (I've heard this is quite common) which probably sounds strange but whilst its great to feel back to normal and whilst people keep saying how well i look I've kind of lost the security blanket of hospitals, consultants and actually doing something about the cancer. Now I'm nearly back to what I was before I started treatment (apart from no.2's, still bleeding and still painful but assuming that will subside) but my physical health is much worse (cant see me being able to run around a lake right now!) and I dont actually know if the cancer has gone so potentially I could be just the same as I was when I was diagnosed without the physical health if that makes sense. Anyway not something to dwell on but just shows how you can be up and down with these things and how the mind plays tricks with you.

On to more exciting things, the mini has arrived! not with me but its at the garage awaiting final bits to be done, I am currently on hold with beautiful music playing to be put through to the indian call centre that elephant.co.uk insurance company have so I can get the motor insurance note sent in a proper pdf (wrong first time) so that mini can register the car! By the way it takes two hours and £7.50 every time you need them to send an email (although I told them to stick it to be honest after the first time). Hold on I'm missing a trick if I (and probably the rest of you) charged that much per email I would be a millionaire by next week!, Who says women cant multitask, writing this, on the phone and watching tennis... getting quite exciting now, I may get car tomorrow night after I've had my ovaries prodded (only joking that would be hard to do without more keyhole).

Osteo tonight, can you get excited about Osteo, you can when your blooming back is hurting like mine, hopefully that will help me get more mobile. I'm thinking some exercise next week as everything is getting a little loose, you know what I mean ladies, bingo wings instead of biceps, not a cool look! Well excited about the bootcamp idea, especially now my friend Michelle is up for it too. Praying she can make it and then I can book. It feels like getting fit is my next way to keep the fight up against cancer. I just have to be doing something otherwise I'd go mad, not that I wasnt fit(ish) before you understand but it feels important right now to get back to fit if not more fit than before, I guess it makes you feel stronger and more equipped to fight the cancer or anything else for that matter.

Thats about it for today, I will touch base soon, let you know how the new car and groove at the grove goes. Oh yes and Mums night out tonight and the year 3 teachers are going, I'm thinking ply them with drinks and get the goss on Mr Graham, now that does sound good content for a blog!

Take care
T

Sun, Sun, Sun!

Hi all,

well not a lot to report since my great friday! Basically a normal weekend, how exciting just to have one of those. We had double picnic yesterday, one at Connor's sports day and the second in a rather nice garden at a house in Windlesham with some of the friends from school. A really lovely day and evening lounging around being "normal", at least the mozzies dont find me too attractive these days which is a bonus.

Just spent a blooming fortune online indulging my sons interest in cricket much to his dads annoyance and looking at fitness boot camps at the grove, just up my steet I really fancy that as a way to get back to fitness, never one to do things by halves ;-)

What does the week ahead hold? only one doctors appointment with Mr Taylor to review my ovaries and hormone levels and some treatment for my back which is killing me. Hopefully a new car before the sun leaves us, (not so sure about the black jack now after our shocking performance today), and a team meeting in Bournemouth!

looking forward to it, every day is another day under the belt and closer to getting the all clear hopefully....

Night Night
x

Fantastic Day!!!!!

Bloggers started off rubbish yesterday, osteo said he's seriously worried about my back further up because of all the trauma I've experienced but by the afternoon I got to tell you I was so chuffed, went for my review with Dr Essapen yesterday and she was smiling and so was I despite the awful traffic into Guildford!

No more antibiotics, no more anti inflammatories and no more tummy liner pills. Yippee that just leaves application of cream...... I was almost speechless, just like that, I know its not over (full body MRI and CT scan plus biopsies in a monthish) but no bloods, no more treatment just a little looksy. She couldnt believe how quickly I was healing, she said she has a lady at same stage and she is just nowhere near as good as me and I've had the infection as well. I am truly a superwoman, I could have jumped for joy.

We had a laugh over the fact I've dealt with everything so well but couldnt bear to take off the scabby steristrips where they removed the portacath complete wimp where that is concerned, Dr Essapen did it for me so now I have a nice square mark where it was, dead attractive! Oh god I've got the hairy stitch again, hubby keep away.......

Today was also the 5th anniversary of lovely Betty being with us, we were very naughty we went for some dinner in the local pub (the boys went home after a bit, think Hubby might have had a tinsy hangover from the night before) and drank a bottle of wine and two glasses of champagne to celebrate our happy day and then walked home, in clogs of all things! Great suggestion Betty but now have a whopper blister on the bottom of my foot. We might have been a teensy bit drunk, we were eating ice cream, chocolate all things naughty always a sign that we've had a couple. It was so exciting, havent been able to do that for a long time, I'm sure I shouldnt have but it was good for the soul.

So all in all a very very good day oh yes and the patio is finished, boy it looks cool, cant wait for the jacuzzi to turn up, can you tell I'm in a good mood ;-) Another reason, its friday morning and I've done the number for the week already with some good upside for the week, yippee thank you team.

Cheerio for now, more workies and then guess what, yes you know, Mr Quaile, another hospital visit for me, lovely.

X

Wasted Trip!

Hi there bloggers,

sitting home and very alone as hubby and betty both away for the night (not together you understand ;-) so thought I would fill you in on my day. Its actually a day more about backs than anything else for a change. Supposed to see my consultant this morning (Mr Quaile) for my six month check up so i duly rush out the house and rush to basingstoke for my 11am appointment only to find that his secretary had booked me in for an xray and appt with him at the Mount Alverna in Guildford. Uhhh hold on a minute been seeing him for over 2 years and never been there so why today of all bloomin' days did she book me at Guildford, how ironic when thats where I have to go for everything else that today I was in Basingstoke. I could have screamed, anyway the great news Mrs Wright was that they could fit me in Friday! Great ! Oncologist Thursday, Back Specialist Friday and I just love driving to Basingstoke. Been to see my Osteo also tonight who said my left leg was wasting away and my back is basically a complete mess because of all the trauma of the cancer. Any more cheerful news I ask myself. Thank goodness England pulled their finger out today, the patio is looking really rather awesome and that tennis game tonight. 57 games in the last set and still not finished, unbelievable! Then snuck Dairy Milk and watched Eastenders on my own, no interruptions with a lovely cup of tea. Heaven, well for one night, I actually secretly hate being on my own in the evenings.

Still dont have final date for mini but have talked them into lending me a car from next week so i can start being mobile 'ish' again.

Arm is a lot better now, hip hip hoorah, only another few days antibiotics to go and bottom, well its getting there, definite improvement until have to go the loo proper when body gives me a little reminder but amazing how the body heals in a week, unbelievable.

So there you go lots of positives to think about but got to confess my back is totally killing me sitting on this sofa so pushing off now to go cuddle my little monkey ;-)

See you
x

Two for the price of One!

Yes sorry peeps, had a rather horrendous day yesterday so just been enjoying a bit of peace, quiet and sun today before I got round to my double blog ;-)

So lets go back to the beginning of yesterday shall we, I needed to go pick up some more of the miracle flamazine cream but my arm had really been bothering me all weekend and antibiotics were due to run out so I was a bit concerned and thought I'd better just ask about it. So began 4 hours of waiting for people, ultrasound, results, more people and some antibiotics, so with the travelling there and back it was a straight 5 hours. That was pretty much the whole day given I'd already spent about 3 hours on forecast calls before that. What a pain! What did I get for my troubles, more bloomin' antibiotics. Trouble was I had a suspected blood clot so they needed to take it seriously, diagnosed as local flambosis in the end. Typical it would be on a day when my lovely friends from Italy were dropping by to see me, anyway it was lovely to see them after the drama of my day, not knowing whether I would be readmitted to hospital or not, so we had some yummy food and watched "The Hangover" with Italian subtitles, god that film is so funny, my bad day was nothing compared to theirs! I think Nana might have had one glass to many bless her she sort of fell out of the door up to bed. She left today which we are really sad about, its been lovely just to have her company and I know Betty will miss her as Nana kept doing her ironing! So very very quiet here today after everyone had left. Did some phone calls and kept going out to annoy the guys doing the patio :-)

Can you believe how much I have improved, I actually managed to walk down and collect Connor from school today, bit sore and tired (or is that the big dinner I just ate) now but that felt like a big achievement. The body is so amazing at repairing itself I must say.

You know with all this excitement I nearly forgot my poor back, its been pretty sore the last few days (probably due to lots of sitting around on bottom!) but realised I have my 6 monthly x ray and review with my back consultant tomorrow and then the lovely Dr Essapen on Thursday, more blood tests etc still never ending frankly. Ovary Doctor next week (I like him best his scars are the smallest/neatest ones ;-) Roll on the week when I dont have to go to some hospital or other, at least its Basingstoke tomorrow for a change. Betty will be pleased when my car finally turns up and I can get myself around on my own I'm sure. Only another couple of weeks to wait.

I guess now if I'm honest I'm just playing a waiting and healing game until I am well enough to have a biopsy and hopefully get the all clear. I allowed myself to think a couple of what ifs a couple of nights ago and shed some tears on poor hubby but like he said nothing could survive the battering they have given me so the horrid thing must have gone. Well here's hoping but really really looking forward to having it actually confirmed.

Thats about it for today, I know this is a cancer blog but I'll let you know what the back consultant says tomorrow, I'm feeling like I need some osteo/physio at the moment but otherwise it's pretty good all in all. Still going to tell him its his fault I got cancer. He is a right character Mr Quaile so I'm sure he will make some witty quip.

Night I'm off to put Connor to bed and I suspect have a few sneaky Zzzzz's myself so hope you are all enjoying the beautiful sunny evening.
x

Party Party!

Amazing what a bit of bronzer and a pair of jimmy choos can do for you, and no I dont mean Phil has got either of them on in the picture above although he did buy me the gorgeous shoes, good job I was sat down all night though ;-)

Laid in bed all day so I would have the energy to go to Annabelle and Nick's party last night. It was so lovely to see everyone and feel relatively normal, we got back quite late hence the lack of blog, sorry about that.

We really had a laugh particularly with a certain couple of apps on the iphone - fat and ageing booth I think they are called you can even do them both together as demonstrated by Phil above. Ok hands off ladies, dont all rush at once!

Talking about Phil he told me he did two new things yesterday, one which will definitely never be repeated, hopefully the other one will ;-) First he was in the winners enclosure at Royal Ascot (best turned out, ok that was the horse). Dave's horse did pretty well, leading all the way until the end bless him. Secondly Phil was at Royal Ascot and didnt have a drink, of course you can guess the one which isnt going to happen again at this point ;-) He did only pop in for the one race otherwise it really would be a miracle. Anyway v, v excited he was and so was I as I had an each way bet at 22/1!

Connor has gone off to a very cool kids party, at Hamleys no less so he was very excited, dont touch the hair I think would have been his moto this morning. He keeps waking up in the morning and giving me little kisses on my face, ahhhhh, gorgeous not so little boy!

Well bloggers not a lot to report, unfortunately for Phil I'm not up to that much today, an evening out and I'm just completely pooped, do you like the pun, yes still got the problems with going to the loo, its got to get kinder at some point don't you think. Lets hope its this week as I think my car will come after that and I want to be well enough to drive it and then we're into last month of the year at work and I need to help the team kick some ass ;-)

Cheerio.

T

Home Sweet Home!

Or should I say sleep deep sleep! I've been a complete wimp and slept most of the day since I got home, just got absolutely no energy, poor body I guess it has been through quite a bit.

I am still so sore but hopefully botty has got as bad as its going to now, back to the trots though, absolutely no idea why, started in the night and wont stop, absolutely horrendous must be the new antibiotics I have for my dodgy arm thanks to the dodgy foreign sunday afternoon doctor and please tell me why do they always have BO?

Unfortunately I was awake for the football, what was that all about, so so painful. Bunch of wimps they are.

One of these days I will have some energy again and I really look forward to that day hopefully it wont be too long. I moved everything back into my bedroom today, took me ages, back with the boys, bless. Had to bring bolster cushion with me though my chest and arm are still really sore, connor has manged to wriggle half his body over it already so I've got his legs on me. I missed him and hubby so bad.

So there we go back to three in the bed and the little one said, Good Night ;-)

X

No more!

Hey bloggers,

No more portacath, no more chemo, no more radiotherapy, no more peach walls and no more cancer (well here's hoping) and a darn sight more champagne, thats what I am thinking tonight.......

Cannot wait to get home tomorrow I think my botty is stuck to this bed and I'm going to have to prise it off at this rate. Didnt do bad though at racing, just a little bit ahead on the day but I really did miss being at Royal Ascot togged up with my hubby and friends, never mind you just wait for next year

Watching tiger woods story, hurry up, lets get to the juicy bit before i doze off, not a mistress in sight yet ;-)

I now have a really nasty bruise where my portacath was and where my old canula site was, sore and red, same stupid part time sunday doctor that I had when I arrived. Want my advice dont get admitted to hospital on a weekend. My bits are still sore but getting better so all in all I think I am finally turning a corner. Just need one more blood test and visit to Dr Essapen next week and then they will leave me a alone for a few weeks until I can have biopsy and scans etc.

Night for now.
T
x

Four Peach Walls!

That is what I have been looking at for the last 4 days and I am finally going completely ga ga. Dr Essapen prescribed a little bit of fresh air this afternoon so I managed to squeeze my nappy in my joggers and get outside for a little bit which was my big excitement for the day. No Leona Lewis tonight for me and no Royal Ascot tomorrow but I've just placed a couple of bets online from my Grand National winnings trouble is I shall be in surgery and miss some of the races but anyway next best thing. I hope I win, that will seriously cheer me up ;-)

Rather uneventful day really as just waiting for Dr Lopez to remove the portacath now which he couldnt do until tomorrow afternoon otherwise I could have already gone home. Anyway I'll be home by friday morning so only two more sleeps. Just one thing to mention, my body truly is unbelievable, after all the stress its been through I still got my period (sorry guys) like clockwork today, I mean what is that all about, havent I had enough. Just goes to show doesnt matter what the doctors tell you sometimes your body has its own ideas.

Feel like finally turning the corner(ish), starting to feel frustrated about things I need to do which is always a sign, long may it continue. Hubby and I getting very stressed about me being in hospital again for so long its very upsetting but soon be over, have a lovely day tomorrow Hubs, sure you will drink one or three for me!

Night all.

x

Hospital tales

Hi Bloggers,

How did it get to night time already I'm sitting here cheering myself up by watching crimewatch, probably not the most sensible programme to be watching but hey I never was that sensible. Amazing how time can pass so quickly when you are busy doing nothing except being poked and prodded (and visited by lovely people of course), and trust me I've definitely had my fair share of that the last couple of days!

I guess I should be glad that I survived the cancer treatment before all of this kicked off, I cant imagine how I would feel if it had happened in the middle and I had to go back to radiotherapy next week, I'm getting palpatations just thinking about it. From other blogs I've read it does seem that hospitalisation is quite common, I just cant believe they cant treat anal cancer in any better way than burning you so badly you end up in hospital, in 10 years we will be looking back no doubt and saying how archaic it is.

So no doubt you want to know what on earth has been going on, not exactly a laugh a minute here so not too many funny stories, just lots of those mean nurses. One young girl that does needles said I looked scared this morning when I saw her, she's not wrong there. I had to have my canula re-sited as I managed to get the other one infected and it was really hurting me. Every day needles and more blooming needles. Today I got a present from Count Dracula, a pint of blood, lovely, bit odd watching that go into me although it seems to have helped my blood pressure slightly. Low point was today 80/50 odd, oops a bit low even for me.

Charlie turned up with half a supermarket worth of food today (thanks hun), so been scoffing chocolates and biccies all day, beats hospital food and the boys were certainly enjoying it this evening ;-) Quite a lot of visitors today, just as well my jaw keeps wagging eh.

Dr Essapen comes to see me every day, I told her I was going to pelt her with grapes yesterday, she asked me if I had stuck pins in an effigy of her today, I think she's feeling my pain, well she will be when I stick a few more pins in the groin area! Yesterday I started getting some relief from the antibiotics and a very exciting cream called "Flamazine", someone has got a sense of humour, a burns cream called flamazine! You have never felt or seen soreness like this, even one of the nurses who used to work on a burns unit said she'd never seen anything like it, i guess its the area and the infection that made it look worse. Big Yuk. Before I got the miracle cream I did look particularly stylish with my dvt stockings, fishnet pants, mega nappy and a blue smurf hand filled with ice stuffed down it, only thing that gave me any relief. Looked hysterical, the nurses and I laughed about that one, It would have made a very funny photo but you will be glad to hear I didnt take one.

Looks like I will go home finally on Friday morning (ish). They have made Dr Lopez travel to me on Thursday to take out this darned portacath, very excited about that, to go home without any of my cancer paraphenalia just a few pesky burns will be awesome but really home, hubby and son sick.

Well time for big brother in a minute (yes still watching it sadly) so I will sign off for tonight.

Thanks everyone for caring.

T
x

Hospital Food!

Sorry bloggers if you missed me yesterday but got a bit carried away with being poorly. In fact so much so that I got admitted to Guildford Nuffield hospital yesterday (beautiful peach decor I must say :-) and am now enjoying their food (not) for the duration. No idea how long for but I have a nasty infection "down there" which they need to sort out. At least they give you free wireless and hubby bought in PC.

Got a lot to tell you but just got to have antibiotics injected, burns cream applied and sleeping tablets administered all of which may take a while so I will fill you in tomorrow morning, just thought I'd better check in in case people were worrying about me.

Night
x

Cheered Up!!!!

Can't keep me down for long, thank god I did not want another day feeling like yesterday or to write another down and boring blog, i might lose my readers ;-) actually no different in the appearance or feeling stakes i'm just dealing with it better today.
So I'm sure you are all glad to hear that and now you are going to ask why???? Well for those of you that always picture me as some glamorous lady I got to tell you that granny knickers and pads with wings are seriously underestimated and my life got a lot better this morning once I had them both on, although i need ultra ultra long which they dont do so its kind of which end do you do, take it in turns maybe ;-) I know too much information but you should know me by now, my bits have been more described and looked at than I care to mention since this process started so I'm pretty desensitised to the whole thing at this point so sorry If I'm still grossing out you boys.

Today has been very nice for various reasons:

* Hubby although I've missed you I've loved the texts especially the one saying you'd woken yourself up with your godawful love cats alarm tune which drives me mental, that made me giggle, I would not want to be in your head right now, I feel your double hangover already!

* Nana Betty has had us all in fits with her as I shall call them "bettyisms", lubai rather than dubai, putting washing gel tabs in the softener drawer to do the washing, shouting for lumley to come in and wondering why she didnt come when in fact she was sat at our feet the whole time, get the gist, its a laugh a minute bless her. She's horrified to think I'm posting it all on here, thank goodness she hasnt got a computer at home but just in case Mark prints them out for you Betty its all meant in the loveliest way, its been so lovely having her here you should all get a Bettys teasmaid ;-)

* Seeing the other betty's face when she opened the pressie I bought her this morning, yes I know another pressie I really am the best boss in the world ;-) ;-)

* Clean sheets and a shower - I told you the simple things in life.....

* Opening more cards from people that care and a lovely rose bush - thank you sophie and family.

* Having my lovely girlfriends round to keep me company and look after me, thank you Amanda and Amanda

* Seeing my little boys excited face when he discovered he could have a couple of his mates to stay for an impromptu sleepover - we are still trying to get them to sleep now, they look so cute all in a line, chatting away, not being naughty just chatting, lord knows what about, girls probably

* I'd love to add watching the football game to the list but personally apart from minute 4 I found it all rather boring and no I dont personally think we played that well no matter what the commentators would have me believe - especially when they are french!!!!! Much more fun was watching Nana Betty's face when John James started talking about "how long he lasted" or more to the point didnt, on Big Brother. Priceless. Bless her I'm sure its been a real education sitting around us all day.

So now time for sleep, for once Connor is in his own bed so I can be a starfish tonight what a luxury.

Hope you enjoyed the blog.
Night
x

I am not laughing any more!

Bloggers i know they said it would get worse but this is ridiculous!

Now leaking constantly on to my clothes so look like I've wet/bled/shat my pants, take your pick. Totally grossing me out and very very degrading, I dont feel human at all today, my body is not my own and I have no control. Weeing is getting worse than No. 2's on the pain richter scale, no idea why but it just is. Putting me in a very bad mood, which I wanted to take out on Porsche, annoying pricks, I obviously collect hard tops for convertibles, dont even get me started its a long and boring story but they are still dicks whichever way you look at it!

Had a lot of my hair chopped today, hubby didnt sound very happy on the phone when I told him but needs must, too much had fallen out to keep it as it was, it will grow back, eventually. Honestly its not that bad hubby it's almost past my ears already. Ok Ok I really am only joking it is actually just longer than my shoulders but it was a lot to lose. I dont like it as much as before, no surprise there though, no wonder I feel a minger today. ;-)

Promised myself I'd try and stay awake until connors bedtime at least but failing abismally, need a snooze, help, I have turned into a little old lady.

Thank you to everyone for the cards and gifts today. (Sheila, Jez and Mandy, Neville & Ann particularly), bless you all, thank god for nice pressies keeping me going.

x

Anticlimax?

Hey bloggers,

Everything has been building up to this day, having the last radiotherapy and the treatment being over but it feels odd, like there should have been a thunderbolt of lightening or something but there is nothing, same old pain, same old itching, same old soreness, same old pooing broken glass, except now there is something new, the waiting....

Waiting to feel better, waiting to be able to do normal stuff again, waiting to get the all clear, waiting to do a wee or a poo without it hurting, that would be nice ;-) It's odd but every day I've been proactively doing something to kill the cancer and get better but now I'm not going to be doing that any more. Sorry I dont mean to be down and I'm not, it truly was exciting to finish the treatment but I so desperately wanted to be well enough to enjoy it.

Sound a right misery guts don't I, well sorry about that, back to today. I took my radiotherapy ladies a card and some choccies today, bet they dont get those too often, we were all so pleased to see the back of each other ;-) I cant quite believe I'm not going tomorrow and neither can my body!

Blooming pergola I ordered to go over the hot tub isnt in stock so now its 12.16am and I'm trawling stupid websites trying to find it on a shorter than 3 week lead time even on stupid ebay, I could swear honestly, whose stupid idea was it anyway!

Hubby off to Isle of Wight festival tomorrow, not that i'm jealous, wallowing around in a load of mud yuk, oh no of course no tents for him, anyway i'm having a girly weekend which I'm really looking forward too, more ice cold rods for me, tee hee, very soothing.

Night Night
x

One more Sleep!!!!!

I cant believe this night has come, the very last sleep before the very last treatment. Only 13 Hrs and 52 Mins to go and the rate I'm going I can sleep most of them! Yep still had sleeping sickness and dreadful headache today, sure it was too much build up of morphine as took none all day today and started to feel a little bit better in the last hour or two, but had to take a slow release one just now as dont know whats worse, had to go to the loo and it was a living hell so obviously was back to feeling the raw pain.

I was trying to think of something humerous I could take the radiographers tomorrow, like a trophy for best burning or the LP of Johnny Cash's burn song or something but nothing very good has sprung to mind, might just take them some chocolates, boy will it be good to not see them anymore.

Phil has his mummy here now which is very nice for us both, particularly him, she's a great source of entertainment, we started watching big brother (bunch of weirdos) and she thought it was "I'm a Celebrity", then she thought they were in Australia, she was clearly still on I'm a Celebrity and had never seen Big Brother before. Anyway source of constant silly remarks that make us laugh which is a good tonic. Bless her she's really easy to have around and Phil has a constant personal tea maker in the house now so that will cheer him up. Mums and their boys eh. Anyway while I'm on the subject of Big Brother, are they the biggest bunch of weirdos or what, I already really hate most of them but Shabby is probably top of my list. And another thing why do none of them have normal names, anyway of course it will be totally addictive and stupid and no doubt we will be watching it every night, I have a real love/hate relationship with it, Phil just loves it what can I say.....

Nana bought some lovely flowers with her, thanks Mark and Deborah for them and the lovely words, and thank you Toby for the flowers too in fact thanks everyone who has been reminding me today that I only have one day left to go, I'm sure you are as relieved as I am, and honestly I'm really not that brave, I really really hate needles now, think thats going to be a real problem for me in the future, you see I'm a chicken really. Want to get shot of portacath now, spoke to Dr Essapen's secretary today, she is a lovely lady, anyway Naughty Naughty Dr Essapen had forgotten to mention it to her so I did a little chase myself and hope to hear back tomorrow on date next week to remove it.

I also bought a very interesting book which turned up from Amazon today, called "Anti Cancer - A new way of life". Its written by a doctor that had cancer and its very interesting and well written and not stupid like some of them are, telling you to forgo all traditional medicine. I would recommend it for anyone who is or has a loved one going through this ordeal. Some interesting research done on adopted kids, the bell curve of median lengths of survival (honestly) and stuff that prove its how we live not our genes that predispose us to cancer and you dont have to subscribe to the norm, so if its in your family its more the fact you share the same lifestyle that would mean you might get it too than the fact it runs in the family. Not to say none of it is that but that what we do makes a bigger difference than we think. Makes a lot of sense to me given that no one in my family has suffered from Cancer that I know about. Anyway I strongly believe that whatever it is that you believe will help you (so in my case eating a few more berries and other "superfoods" and drinking a bit less and exercising a lot more and being good and kind to people) then that is what will help you, whether that be religion, a book, talking to someone, whatever it is you need to believe in it and you've got to take the best out of the experience and try and help others. If we all did that the world would be a better place and hopefully there would be a lot less people with cancer too ;-)

Take care everyone, cant wait to try and go to sleep as it will mean I'm closer to last treatment yippee!

Love from T
x

Sleeping Sickness?

Dunno what is up with me bloggers, I've been pretty much asleep since I got home today at around 12pm! Shocking headache and generally feeling pants, think its too much morphine, but maybe its not enough, oh god what to do, maybe some chocolate will make me feel better, yep definitely, just sent hubby off on an errand to get some ;-)

In general very exciting day today though, Dr Essapen still says I'm doing well, even though I am red raw at the front, apparently its new skin so thats a good thing and hopefully in a few days that will be feeling a little bit better. You never know I might be able to walk again soon, although having hubby pushing me around in a wheelchair has its attractions, he was trying to do wheelies in the rain with me in it today, cheeky monkey. Got some slow release morphine to go with the other stuff today so I'm all morphine'd up. Most excitingly she said I should be able to get rid of the portacath next week, I am so so pleased about that. Waiting for the appointment but will probably be chasing that one tomorrow. They struggled to get my blood again today, as per usual but eventually I obliged and the good news is I'm ok, all the red meat must have helped and the injection yesterday is helping with the white blood cells.

I had some more lovely reflexology and a good old natter, the lady is lovely. Phil has been touting my blog out to nurses at the Nuffield so if any of them read this, if I've ever said you are enjoying inflicting pain on me..... its all true ;-) No only joking it just makes it more fun to imply that you do so please dont think badly of me. If you have any other patients that want to read my blog I'm really happy to share, i definitely want to do something to give something back to other sufferers after this is over and the very least I can do is to share my experiences. People are starting to say goodbye to me now as they may not see me again, wow that just feels amazing, strange but definitely amazing.

Just about managed to stay awake long enough for a little visit from Annabelle with more housey magazines, if I only had the money for all the things I want out of them, given me lots of cool ideas though, cant wait for the new slate patio with pergola and hot tub!

Promised myself to catch up on email and get the garden table and chairs on ebay today but failed miserably, hopefully I'll feel up to it in the morning, if I dont I'll stop getting email soon as my inbox is full up, oops!

Night for now, of course I'm feeling quite awake when I should be going to sleep, reminds me of being in hospital when i was always awake at night and asleep in the day.

See you tomorrow. 1 Day, 13 Hours and 21 Mins to go, only two more treatments, two more sleeps and hopefully no more poos! ;-)

x

The number is Three!

Bloody hell, sorry for swearing but just had to write this all again from memory well its roughly as I remember it as somehow managed to send my browser forward and the page was empty when i got back, grrrr!

Yes bloggers only three more treatments, radiographer said it looked so bad today she didnt think it could get any worse, thanks a bunch! They love putting the wax in, god that hurts.

Had to go in wheelchair today too far to walk, my arse has now been where pauls has been ;-) Anyway thank you very much, dead posh and thank god for the big fat cushion on it. Not sure about my chauffeur though, kept letting go of the handles cheeky sod, thought he was being funny as i veered off the kerb. Dont worry I didnt really but it was close......


Spoke to pain nurse today as she doesnt think i'm doing so good on the pain front, going to prescribe me some more drugs, yep, this time morphine lollies of all things, bet they dont come in nice flavours either though. Apparently its quick acting so I can have a quick lolly and then do a pain free poo, yeah right I doubt it but anything is worth a go. She was really nice, she said I still looked gorgeous, no wonder I liked her ;-) Anyway wont get that until the morning so double morphine tonight, yum yum, I could have been at Bon Jovi but this is so much more fun, not!


My aunt came round this afternoon with some nice pressies she bought back from France, lucky me.


Been in bed the rest of the time, now have splitting headache and need to take some drugs, in fact thats probably why i have the splitting headache and then sleep, have to leave early to see consultant tomorrow. More bloods, at least got nasty white blood cell injection out of the way today, in my poor tummy this time ;-(

Very bored of being sick I just want to do something normal like go for a girly drink or go to the movies or just wee without being in pain!


2 Days, 13 Hours and 56 Mins. Can you believe it, people keep asking me what I'm going to do after I finish the treatment, i mean I cant just end the blog, people keep reading it like the news or something. Well I will keep letting you know updates for sure, whether it will be every day, who knows, maybe depends on how exciting life is after but it doesnt feel like it will be the same. I shall almost be sad.

See you tomorrow bloggers.
T

The Final Countdown!

Hey bloggers,

well the most excitement I've had since my last blog is an ice cold stiff rod between my legs! yes thought that would get your attention, smutty lot I know what you were thinking (and I needed to get the humour back in my blogs, I'm depressing myself reading them back), alas it was just a cool bag thing out of the freezer with a flannel wrapped round to try and aleviate the pain, well numb it to be honest. Even the tinsiest No.2 has me in a cold sweat and bauling my eyes out. Sorry to keep on but honestly you have never experienced such pain, for the girls I can only describe it as having serious red raw sunburn plus cystitis down there and then giving birth with no pain relief through your back passage. For you blokes well clearly nothing as bad as any kind of man pain so you already know pain worse than this right ;-)

Had to have quite a bit of sleep after this mornings toilet trauma and woke up to find the household fairies (aka Betty and Hubby) had been busy cleaning out the summerhouse, hubby cleaned the windows and everything. Well done my darling, he's had a tough day, I know he's been crying secretly because I saw him and my heart is so sad for that so for those of you reading that know him, please give him a hug or a kind wish tomorrow because he really needs it as much if not more than I do right now!

My boy came to cuddle me tonight, I'm always very excited when he chooses to do that, so cute but he's covered in nasty bites bless him, funnily enough I am normally too but right now I could lay naked in a room of mossies and I dont think they would be interested!

Pretty much confined to bed now as movement is pretty unbearable, particularly up and down stairs, so certainly will need to get around in a wheelchair. A VIP person from work lent theirs to me, couldnt have come at a better time, I shall enjoy plonking my bottom on it tomorrow, hope hubby doesnt drive it the same way as the car.

Only 4 more treatments folks, I know it will hurt afterwards but at least i wont have to go to St Lukes any more, I really really cant wait now. Even better my countdown clock says 3 Days (yes only 3), 13 Hours and 6 Mins.....

Night Night
x

Broken Glass?!

Hey bloggers,

sorry again for not doing blog last night, becoming a bit of a habit but really do seem to be struggling to find the words to write last thing at night these days.

I had double portion of broken glass No.2's last night, It honestly felt like it was ripping my insides out and then was even worse the second time, so I am going to have to rethink eating normally at this point, I just cant cope with it so snacky, liquid diet for me for the next couple of weeks until it starts getting better. I took morphine, paracetemol and all sorts and still must have been crying for at least half an hour afterwards. Then it was itching like mad and I itched and the skin came off, yep I know what you're thinking, that's enough information thank you tania, I think so too ;-) Needless to say sleep was a very blessed release last night.

The pain has woken me up early this morning so I've stuck another load of medicine down my neck and hoping I can doze off again. Connor has a football tournament bless him so that will be him disappeared for the morning. He was playing cricket with some older boys until it got dark last night love him so hope he's not too tired.

Caught up with some old friends last night which was lovely but I think thats probably my last evening outing for a couple of weeks. Time to look forward to things post treatment and post pain.

No more chemo though and only 4 radiotherapy treatments, I am so excited I cant tell you. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow in a weird way because it signals the start of the last week.

Yippee. See you later.
x

Proud!

Proud mummy today, my boy and my hubby had such a nice day together today at the office and kept leaving me little messages on facebook, it was really sweet and then they came home and ripped up the old patio. Awesome work boys. Met up with my old friend Tania (yes she really does have the same name as me) and had a chat which was really nice, now got a barbie to go to tomorrow night, we are so lucky ;-)

I had tears in my eyes after she left and no it wasnt because I'll miss her before tomorrow its because I am basically pooing whole jagged pieces of glass now, its ripping my insides, I could not hide it even from Connor bless him he was so attentive but I was literally screaming in agony. Hubby really looked after me though, I feel like some little helpless old lady, cant walk, cant even go to the loo on my own these days, but inside this week helpless exterior beats a hard as nails 18 year old (i know in my dreams). I will not be beat, downed my morphine shot with a paracetemol chaser (they work better together apparently) and watched britains got talent with the boys. Snuck in a chocolate bar, yummy and now in bed rather early but really struggling with pain and staying awake. Tomorrow is another day and I get the chemo removed (yippee) and more radio (not so yippee) but after tomorrow morning it will only be four more treatments ;-)

5 days, 15 Hours and 8 Mins left, wow it really is getting close now.

Have a great weekend all.
T

Morphine shot anyone?

Sorry for lack of blog last night just was absolutely exhausted and fell asleep. Progressed to shots of morphine now, oh my god there is an opportunity there, couldnt they do flavoured versions like vodka or something, it is absolutely foul, not that I've ever tasted lighter fuel but I'm sure thats what it tastes like. Hideous, actually all drinks taste hideous, chemo is giving me that lovely metallic taste so now having to add elderflower cordial to my water to make it palatable. Yum Yum.

I think I might actually have split now, I dont actually want to look, my skin looks like elephant hide and the colour isnt dissimilar either but it just feels like i have. OUCH is all I can say on the matter, and apparently I'm doing well! crikey I just cant imagine it being any worse. I walk like a bandy cowboy now, in fact I cant really walk at all, I keep waiting to turn a corner and stop getting worse on the front bit but hasnt happened yet.

Only 7 (make that 6 as just got back from another one and have carried on writing my blog)more treatments though, cant wait until tomorrow when i can say next friday i dont have to go!

Had to advertise for a chauffeur for today, bad planning in the household and no one could take me, charming, thank goodness for lovely friends coming to the rescue, poor Jo got the job. Its been so nice having lots of people taking me, made it slightly less of a chore.

I joked with the radiographers, tell them they are so mean to me, I just cant stand being serious in that miserable place. She reminded me today that it carries on working after I finish next Thursday, does she think I've forgotten, as if! Thanks for reminding me love. She pushed the wax in extra hard or maybe its just cos it hurts so much ;-) anyway i thought that was to protect me, actually its to make sure the radiotherapy goes right into the skin so in effect makes it worse, mass torture me thinketh. They are all in on it.

Not much else to report sitting in bed looking at the glorious day outside but chemo is half way through and feel a lot less sick than last time, I think it must have been the other chemo they gave me the first time that made me feel particularly bad.

6 Days, 30 Hours and 37 Mins left, yee haa, less than a week.

x

Rare Steak Anyone?

That's what the consultant says I need, lots of red meat, apparently if I get any more anaemic they wont be able to carry on treating me and I will need a blood transfusion. Nice! Told you I was feeling c**p, now I know why. White blood cells also low again, cant give me the nice little injections whilst on chemo so i get that to look foward to afterwards. So what did I get for my 5 hour round trip apart from a lot of waiting around and a sore arse! A whole bunch of drugs thats what, this is what i now have:

* Intrasite with morphine - to stick on the sore bits
* Ciprofloxacin - thats antibiotics for the infection inside
* Omeprazole - thats something to stop you getting a stomach ulcer from all the ibuprofen she wants me to ingest
* Oramorph - Neat morphine and if you dont like that you can have a little chaser of:
* Buccastem - Anti Sickness
* Metoclopramide - More Anti Sickness
* Dexamethasone - In case the other anti sickness stuff doesnt work
* Loperamide - For diarrhoea
* DulcoEase - For constipation (fat chance)
oh and some other spray for the front bit which i couldnt be arsed to wait for today so need to pick up tomorrow. And they wanted to give me some sleeping tablets but I said I can count tablets instead of sheep and get off that way.
Oh nearly forgot the bottle full of chemo...

What do you need to cheer you up after that little lot, yeah a good movie right, wrong, oh my goodness betty nightmare special, normally its a wrighty nightmare special but this one really was up there with the worst films of all time. "The Box", Cameron Diaz you should be ashamed of yourself, what a complete pile of poo.

Consolation, my boy did not reject me today, he actually wanted me to put him to bed, he kind of looked at the chemo, asked to see the bottle and then just got on with it. What a little star, I was dreading his reaction again after last time when he didnt really want to be near me. He still leans his top half away from me so as not to press against my chest but it was so nice to have a cuddle, he read really nicely to me (spongebob what else) and we had a giggle talking about girls. Apparently he cant wait until he's 18 so he can go out and all the girls will be chasing him, then cheeky monkey he said they were anyway! Cutie fell asleep in my arms love him. I mean I really really love him. Every emotion is magnified at the moment, so feel very up and down but I think a lot of that is just not feeling well and being tired too, i really cant sleep but hey ho it is 1am already so i really ought to try.

8 Days, 12 Hours and 5 Mins left, the end is almost in sight.

Night
x

One more weekend....

suffering with treatment! Been racking my brain trying to think of positives to focus on as really has been a very tough weekend, how did I go downhill so rapidly, I really dont know, very scary to be honest but anyway I have survived it, without alcohol as well, I'm so boring these days. So here are the positives:

* 9 more treatments to go
* Only one more weekend of actually being in treatment
* Being this ill makes you think about things a lot more, puts things in sharp perspective and shows you who cares, which in my case is an awful lot of people which is very nice
* I have obviously split somewhere inside hence the bleeding, but outside I still havent, yet, so hopefully that will mean I wont and will also heal quicker afterwards
* I dont even need to pretend that I am going to go to the gym and could say I want fish and chips tonight (I know again, what is the matter with me!)
* Hopefully my yukky little cancer mate is already dead or very nearly dead and the chemo will finish him off if not

Negatives, well I'm not going there, well at least not tonight, early rising tomorrow as have consultant, bloods, chemo and radio to look forward to. Lucky me at least I'll get a bucket load of drugs to come home with.

Night night everyone going to try and get some zzzzz's now.

9 Days 13 Hours and 13 Mins to go, as long as they are on time of course with that last treatment ;-)
x

Feeling Low

Hey bloggers,

wasnt going to write my blog tonight (and technically I havent as its now 3.30am in the morning) as I was just feeling too down, but I guess you got to take the rough with the smooth and it was bound to get like this.

Actually frightened of going to the loo as the lovely Amanda and James made too much yummy food and I think i ate too much. Feels very depressing to have to worry about what you eat because its got to come back out again but that is indeed where I am right now. I cannot describe to you the pain it's just relentless and I feel realy down, the fact I cant get a decent nights sleep isnt going to help. Think its just a case of existing now until the finish line and taking a load of drugs, morphine and chemo what a lovely combination to look forward to.

Silver lining of my cloud tonight, my little boy is the other side of my bolster cushion having big old zzzzz's! He saw me have a big old blub tonight bless him and he knows I'm in a lot of pain, he's a big comfort to me. Poor hubby is feeling poorly too bless, what a household.

Night, or should i say good morning.

10 Days, 9 Hours and 22 Mins to go, please may every second go a little faster.

T

Mini Day

Hey Bloggers,

Ordered my little mini this morning which was quite exciting although got to say the guy selling it to me was even more excited than me!!!! Quite a rare car so they are all looking forward to seeing it and they are going to build it in june so i should have it by the end of the month....

Been round Annabelle and Nick's the rest of the day which was lovely but I really have been in agony, cant get comfy, cant walk properly and every time I go to the loo, its double razor blade pain and starting bleeding from there. Resorted to intrasite with morphine tonight nothing else is going to work at this point so my bits are high and the rest of me is real low ;-( Not looking forward to next week at all, I know it means I'm closer to the end but 24hrs is a long time at the moment.

11 Days, 13 Hours and 19 Mins to go, and I'm feeling every single minute of it now. Dosed up on tablets and wanting to sleep i just hope my botty lets me. Everyone is feeling ill in the house, I hope to god I hold up and dont catch something on top of everything else. Amanda's tomorrow, my friends are just so amazing with their kindness, having us round all the time, so uplifting.

Night all.
x

Awesome!

Sorry for lack of blog last night folks but didnt get back until 1am from the Black Eyed Peas. We didn't get to meet them unfortunately but they were absolutely amazing, probably the best concert I've seen, especially Will.I.am Well talented, he can dj for me anytime. Was so nice to do something that made me feel normal, everyone said how well I looked, bit ironic really but nice anyway. It was so awesome to have been able to take Connor and see him bopping around, one of the ladies was so enamoured with him, said he was the most handsome child she'd ever seen, well he is pretty gorgeous I have to agree and he kept cuddling me and enjoyed pushing my wheelchair bless him.

Boy did i suffer for an evening out plus some wine and a bit of cheese though, been up since 5am on the loo and so sore today as wore trousers last night so now am walking about like a bandy legged cowboy!

Was feeling pretty sick and rough this morning, hair still falling out in handfuls and not looking forward to bloods and seeing the consultant but i have been lifted by a couple of things:

* Only 9 more treatments to go!
* Dr Essapen actually smiled at me today and admitted that I was doing amazingly well, better than anyone she'd ever seen and shes never had anyone having this treatment go to a concert in the middle before, so lots of firsts, I felt invincible when she said that, she was obviously really pleased with me. Now the treatment is narrowed down to back bottom there is a good chance I can escape without broken skin on front bottom, so thats my new challenge ;-)
* Bloods were good, white blood cell count back up there so no more yukky injections, for now anyway.

So despite feeling totally sick and yukky I am estatic and have lots of friends looking after us at the weekend, thank you all, so sweet of you, hoping that will take my mind off chemo next week but at least that will mean I'm close to the end. Almost within my grasp.

12 Days, 21 Hours and 45 Mins left.

Byee ;-)

Burn, Burn, Burn!

Hi Blog Fans,

Can you believe it when I was being zapped today the song playing was burn, burn, burn by Johnny Cash! The actual words (in case you dont know) that were playing in those vital seconds were: "And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire!" I said to them, very funny was it supposed to be a joke and the woman was horrified, she said oh no its just a country and western CD. Had to laugh though, it could only happen to me!

Bad day in terms of sickness and feeling generally s**t, its these awful injections, poor nurse today I made her so nervous about giving it to me, i had to shout out loud it was so painful. Thank god they are over, white blood cells you better be listening cos I dont want any more of those injections so praying for good bloods on friday. And the hair just keeps falling out, I hope i've got some left for tomorrow night! But despite these things you know what my skin still hasnt broken down there, its looking pretty darn awful and so incredibly sore but another two zaps and I will have survived another week. I cant believe it so thats good news isnt it.

Not much else to report, Annabelle took me to the hospital today which was nice and we chatted about outside furniture and stuff, I'm very into designing my new patio for the new hot tub at the minute, nice little distraction I must say. Think I will buy some mags tomorrow to give me some more ideas. Anyway now the big question, what the hell am I going to wear tomorrow, what a dilemma, can I wear any kind of trousers, I doubt it but I might try some baggy ones. Honestly the things we have to go through, Hubby finds out in the morning I think whether I will be meeting famous people, even more pressure if I am, might have to pop to the shops ;-) Hubby please dont read that last bit.

14 Days, 12 Hours and 32 Mins to go....

Night all
x