Monday, May 31, 2010

One more weekend....

suffering with treatment! Been racking my brain trying to think of positives to focus on as really has been a very tough weekend, how did I go downhill so rapidly, I really dont know, very scary to be honest but anyway I have survived it, without alcohol as well, I'm so boring these days. So here are the positives:

* 9 more treatments to go
* Only one more weekend of actually being in treatment
* Being this ill makes you think about things a lot more, puts things in sharp perspective and shows you who cares, which in my case is an awful lot of people which is very nice
* I have obviously split somewhere inside hence the bleeding, but outside I still havent, yet, so hopefully that will mean I wont and will also heal quicker afterwards
* I dont even need to pretend that I am going to go to the gym and could say I want fish and chips tonight (I know again, what is the matter with me!)
* Hopefully my yukky little cancer mate is already dead or very nearly dead and the chemo will finish him off if not

Negatives, well I'm not going there, well at least not tonight, early rising tomorrow as have consultant, bloods, chemo and radio to look forward to. Lucky me at least I'll get a bucket load of drugs to come home with.

Night night everyone going to try and get some zzzzz's now.

9 Days 13 Hours and 13 Mins to go, as long as they are on time of course with that last treatment ;-)
x

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Feeling Low

Hey bloggers,

wasnt going to write my blog tonight (and technically I havent as its now 3.30am in the morning) as I was just feeling too down, but I guess you got to take the rough with the smooth and it was bound to get like this.

Actually frightened of going to the loo as the lovely Amanda and James made too much yummy food and I think i ate too much. Feels very depressing to have to worry about what you eat because its got to come back out again but that is indeed where I am right now. I cannot describe to you the pain it's just relentless and I feel realy down, the fact I cant get a decent nights sleep isnt going to help. Think its just a case of existing now until the finish line and taking a load of drugs, morphine and chemo what a lovely combination to look forward to.

Silver lining of my cloud tonight, my little boy is the other side of my bolster cushion having big old zzzzz's! He saw me have a big old blub tonight bless him and he knows I'm in a lot of pain, he's a big comfort to me. Poor hubby is feeling poorly too bless, what a household.

Night, or should i say good morning.

10 Days, 9 Hours and 22 Mins to go, please may every second go a little faster.

T

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Mini Day

Hey Bloggers,

Ordered my little mini this morning which was quite exciting although got to say the guy selling it to me was even more excited than me!!!! Quite a rare car so they are all looking forward to seeing it and they are going to build it in june so i should have it by the end of the month....

Been round Annabelle and Nick's the rest of the day which was lovely but I really have been in agony, cant get comfy, cant walk properly and every time I go to the loo, its double razor blade pain and starting bleeding from there. Resorted to intrasite with morphine tonight nothing else is going to work at this point so my bits are high and the rest of me is real low ;-( Not looking forward to next week at all, I know it means I'm closer to the end but 24hrs is a long time at the moment.

11 Days, 13 Hours and 19 Mins to go, and I'm feeling every single minute of it now. Dosed up on tablets and wanting to sleep i just hope my botty lets me. Everyone is feeling ill in the house, I hope to god I hold up and dont catch something on top of everything else. Amanda's tomorrow, my friends are just so amazing with their kindness, having us round all the time, so uplifting.

Night all.
x

Friday, May 28, 2010

Awesome!

Sorry for lack of blog last night folks but didnt get back until 1am from the Black Eyed Peas. We didn't get to meet them unfortunately but they were absolutely amazing, probably the best concert I've seen, especially Will.I.am Well talented, he can dj for me anytime. Was so nice to do something that made me feel normal, everyone said how well I looked, bit ironic really but nice anyway. It was so awesome to have been able to take Connor and see him bopping around, one of the ladies was so enamoured with him, said he was the most handsome child she'd ever seen, well he is pretty gorgeous I have to agree and he kept cuddling me and enjoyed pushing my wheelchair bless him.

Boy did i suffer for an evening out plus some wine and a bit of cheese though, been up since 5am on the loo and so sore today as wore trousers last night so now am walking about like a bandy legged cowboy!

Was feeling pretty sick and rough this morning, hair still falling out in handfuls and not looking forward to bloods and seeing the consultant but i have been lifted by a couple of things:

* Only 9 more treatments to go!
* Dr Essapen actually smiled at me today and admitted that I was doing amazingly well, better than anyone she'd ever seen and shes never had anyone having this treatment go to a concert in the middle before, so lots of firsts, I felt invincible when she said that, she was obviously really pleased with me. Now the treatment is narrowed down to back bottom there is a good chance I can escape without broken skin on front bottom, so thats my new challenge ;-)
* Bloods were good, white blood cell count back up there so no more yukky injections, for now anyway.

So despite feeling totally sick and yukky I am estatic and have lots of friends looking after us at the weekend, thank you all, so sweet of you, hoping that will take my mind off chemo next week but at least that will mean I'm close to the end. Almost within my grasp.

12 Days, 21 Hours and 45 Mins left.

Byee ;-)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Burn, Burn, Burn!

Hi Blog Fans,

Can you believe it when I was being zapped today the song playing was burn, burn, burn by Johnny Cash! The actual words (in case you dont know) that were playing in those vital seconds were: "And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire!" I said to them, very funny was it supposed to be a joke and the woman was horrified, she said oh no its just a country and western CD. Had to laugh though, it could only happen to me!

Bad day in terms of sickness and feeling generally s**t, its these awful injections, poor nurse today I made her so nervous about giving it to me, i had to shout out loud it was so painful. Thank god they are over, white blood cells you better be listening cos I dont want any more of those injections so praying for good bloods on friday. And the hair just keeps falling out, I hope i've got some left for tomorrow night! But despite these things you know what my skin still hasnt broken down there, its looking pretty darn awful and so incredibly sore but another two zaps and I will have survived another week. I cant believe it so thats good news isnt it.

Not much else to report, Annabelle took me to the hospital today which was nice and we chatted about outside furniture and stuff, I'm very into designing my new patio for the new hot tub at the minute, nice little distraction I must say. Think I will buy some mags tomorrow to give me some more ideas. Anyway now the big question, what the hell am I going to wear tomorrow, what a dilemma, can I wear any kind of trousers, I doubt it but I might try some baggy ones. Honestly the things we have to go through, Hubby finds out in the morning I think whether I will be meeting famous people, even more pressure if I am, might have to pop to the shops ;-) Hubby please dont read that last bit.

14 Days, 12 Hours and 32 Mins to go....

Night all
x

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

All cuddled up!

With my little boy, ahh so cute, big cushion down the middle of the bed this time so he doesnt push me out, little monkey! Dont you just love them when they are asleep, love him anyway but uber cute when he's asleep and sooo cuddly.

I dont like these injections one little bit, Dr Essapen might think I needed them, but I reckon it was just to give me some real pain. Lady Nurse did it today, she wanted to put it in my stomach, no chance I was letting her near my stomach so it was the other leg but it hurts so much I cant tell you and they make me feel sick (again I hear you say, is there anything that doesnt!)

Another couple of visitors today, more flowers and lots of yummy biscuits, thanks girls! Having such lovely girly chats every day, really enjoying it ;-)

Felt very dodgy towards the end of the day and had to have a little lie down and then Connor woke me up to put him to bed, even though I was already there. We read spongebob together, of all things Connor wants to read that to me every night. I am desparate to read Harry Potter or something cool like lion the witch and the wardrobe series but no we got to read Spongebob, honestly what went wrong. Maybe one day my son will want to read a "proper" book but not any time soon me thinketh.

Hubby did a nice thing for me today, I am going (in wheelchair as walking very far is quite painful these days as is wearing anything resembling normal clothes, thank goodness for hot weather and floaty maxi dresses) to Black Eyed Peas Concert on Thursday and he's been talking to the management company trying to get me to meet them. Bless, that was such a sweet thing to do, I absolutely love the BEP and am very very excited to go. Nothing (well almost nothing) is going to stop me going, just hope my immunity is up to scratch as sure I'm not really supposed to mingle with crowds. Like I said just try and stop me. Hoping I will have some hair left by then, was having really girly moment today thinking what on earth can I actually wear, tell you one thing it wont be and thats jeans. Oh dear they are my staple attire, unless i have some very very baggy ones they just wont do at all.

Well another day, another dollar as they say, time is gradually passing and every time I write my blog its another day down.

Only 15 Days, 13 Hours and 50 Mins to last treatment now, tomorrow will be the magic 14 number which means only two more weeks. Yippee.

Off for more Connor cuddles now. Night
x

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Battle Continues -- I'm definitely winning!

Hi Bloggers,

You'll be pleased to hear I'm in good spirits, absolutely no idea why, nothing has changed in fact if anything its got worse and we had an almost 5 hour round trip today trekking backwards and forwards between two hospitals but you know what I beat that blooming consultants expectations and my skin didnt actually break, yippee so that must be the reason why I'm upbeat!

Before I carry on I should say Dr Essapen is a thoroughly professional and nice lady but its much more fun to think she had to get her own back on me for daring not to split my skin as she had instructed ;-) She begrudgingly said I was doing well but was there a little glimmer in her eye when she told me my white blood cell count was low and she needed me to have a series of 3 injections to get the old bone marrow into overdrive. I think there was. I'm sure there was particularly when she could tell me about the side effects ;-)What an injection, a great big prick in the thigh, I actually shouted out loud. John (the lovely gay guy) asked if I'd like to do the other two myself, even gave me directions on how to do it, yeah right I said bloody funny and absolutely no chance, I mean I can't even look at what he's doing everytime he takes blood, no chance of me sticking a needle anywhere at all let alone in my stomach or leg. He's good and it really really hurt! Reads rude sorry about that, couldnt help it I'm in a jokey kind of mood tonight.

Hubby took me today, really nice that he was there as was such a long trip, we did sneak in a quick bite to eat and an icecream as well though which was lovely. I know I said I'm not eating dairy but seem to have the runs every night so thought what the hell to another night I can always be good tomorrow can't I. Had a bit of a potential ouch moment when Hubby went to remove loose hair off me but of course it wasnt hair it was one end of the stiches across my chest, made my teeth go all funny just thinking about how painful that would have been, OUCh!

Hair still falling out, Dr Essapen said dont wash it so much, she just wants me to look s**t as well as everything else, I told you ;-) Anyway apparently rarely happens with this chemo but happening with me, just shows how well its working, great can it just work on the cancer cells instead please. Also found out that a friend has been diagnosed with cancer of the tongue, yuk, not nice so I'm thinking about them tonight, just starting out on this treatment road and realised I'm kind of a veteran at this point and more than halfway through. Hoorah. Dr Essapen kept trying to tell me it was 14 treatments today, think she wanted to sneak in another one but i'm watching her I told her its 15, she argued, I won (well that little battle anyhow).

Well thats about it for today folks, been working all night, prepping for my team meeting that I wont be able to attend, but its good, everything is carrying on as it should and I want to say a big thank you to my team (especially james for that) now if you could just bring a couple of $m extra in July you'd be my favourite team ever ;-) Tell you something funny, do you know what a may bug is (otherwise known as a cockchafer, honest i didnt make that name up but its very rude!), well if you dont they are absolutely scary, disgusting flying bugs and we get loads of them (thankfully just in may). Phil and I have been sat in like 100 degree heat with all the doors and windows closed because we are both so petrified of the disgusting things, all fluttery and horrid, natalie climbed under the table last week when we were in the gazebo and one flew in.

Guess what only: 16 Days, 13 Hours and 4 Minutes until my last treatment. Hubby booked me a personal shopper for afterwards so I can get something beautiful for Dave and Nina's lovely wedding, how exciting and cool is that.

All joking aside, I have a quote thingy on my igoogle, look at the one for today:
"You must take personal responsibility, You cannot change the circumstances,
the seasons or the wind, but you can change yourself!"
Its so true, I cant change the fact I have cancer or what happens to me in the process, but I can be the best person I can be, take hold of all the love that is coming my way and know that I will come out of this the person you all believe me to me, better, stronger and most importantly a cancer survivor. Thanks for believing in me everyone I couldnt bear to make you all sad another night.

Lots of Love

X

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Low

It started out a good day, buying a hot tub, yes bloggers we finally went and ordered it. Lovely Hubby wangled a bargain, actually a very good bargain, its awesome, its also absolutely huge, as big as a room, literally! Delivery, end of June so better get a move on with the patio, oh darn thats my bit to organise so better get on the case.

We then spent a lovely afternoon at the Marlows but I was getting really sore towards the end of it. Since then I have rapidly deteriorated as has my mood, probably started with the fact that handfuls of hair came out in the shower this morning (i mean from my head!). They said I wouldnt lose my hair, well they might have said probably and maybe I wont lose all of it but still fairly shocking and its carried on all day and I dont even have the chemo attached right now. Just shows how long its in the system for.

My stomach is going crazy I've been to the toilet several times but I dont think I'm done yet. Skin is getting all red and blistery now and I am seriously in agony. Hubby just caught me crying, sorry just cant help it, feeling sorry for myself tonight, just not sure how I can get through another 3 weeks of this treatment particularly the week with chemo, would be nice if they could knock me out for about a month right now.

Well Dr Essapen is going to have a nice time tomorrow when i dump my list of woes on her! Hoping to feel more upbeat after a good sleep. See you tomorrow. Night x

P.S. 17 Days, 14 Hours and 40 Mins to go......

Sorry

Sorry no blog last night, I came over all poorly and had to go to bed (well not before rushing to loo of course, more big ouch!)

Didnt do a lot yesterday except test out whether my skin really was a lot more sensitive to the sun whilst having chemo! pleased to report I am goddamn lucky to have my olive skin and having come back from Dubai the skin held up well to a bit of blighty sun. Odd sort of tan though, a lot of me has to be covered up. Blooming gardeners turned up just as we got settled so we had fun shouting at each other and flashing bits at them accidentally (NOT). Hey ho at least the stripes are back it was beginning to look a bit like a recreation ground.

I watered all the garden, popped to the garden centre and made the dinner and I think just plain wore myself out, honestly how pathetic am I, how can I be superwoman and not still be able to do everything, I get so frustrated.

Hubby has promised to get the hot tub, not that I moaned at him for about half an hour yesterday, so I am off now, jump in the shower and drag him and connor off that darned game that is their life to the garden centre before feasting on the marlow's hospitality, yippee ;-)

Bit of sunshine sure makes you feel more upbeat, till later bloggers. Enjoy.

T

Friday, May 21, 2010

Razor Blades!!!!

Goodness, did so well today and then I literally went to the loo and swear I must have passed razor blades, I cannot believe how painful that was, I'm in shock, I think I will have to stop eating if that is what is going to happen. Bucket loads of Aloe Vera, but poor body still trying to get over it. Anyway enough of that I'm sure you get the picture.

Lovely visitor this morning, Vicki, with more pressies, I really could get very used to this, the champagne with a straw tickled my humour in particular.

Then Annabelle and I went to St Lukes and got some lunch on the way back. I took us to the grottiest pub ever thinking it was the one up the road, oops was a bit late as we'd already ordered our food, never mind I'm still alive so the food poisioning escaped us today. Lovely sights in there, goodness something out of a Viz magazine, rather amusing but god knows where they come from, certainly not Windlesham she said in a stuck up snobby kind of way ;-) No Russell Crowe either, I dont know, so little excitement. Was exciting to get out of the house for something other than being zapped though.

What a gorgeous beautiful day to celebrate being half way through the treatment. I still dont think my skin has actually broken yet, desperately hanging on for dear life, hopefully the consultant will be pleased with me on Monday.

Off for some serious ZZZZZZZ's now, they are such a welcome relief from the pain when I am awake although it does kind of just become a background noise when its there all the time. Distraction has been good today it really does help take your mind off things.

Hubby says I havent been talking about him enough, sure he's going to be painting the fence tomorrow so I can rave about him (NOT!) Bless him he made me a drink and has scuttled off to play "Call of Duty", how much do I hate that game!

Lots of love to you all
x

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I love Aloe Vera!

Well its helping a little bit, thanks Yasmin for rushing out to buy for me and taking me to see St Luke today. I've been slathering on the aloe vera all afternoon, hoping for some relief, its the itching that is driving me really crazy and not really something one wants to be doing in public!, I think it helped a little bit, dont think the skin has actually broken yet but its got to be real close, determined to prove Dr Essapen wrong and not break by the weekend. I mean Doctors what do they know ;-)

Had dreadful nights sleep, my little monkey all arms and legs all over me but I wouldnt have him any other way, made me proud again today, been really cute writing extra stories to earn ticks at school and I just about managed to take him to swimming, felt such a big achievement, he really is very good and it was lovely to feel like I could do something useful, not sure how much longer that is going to last but every time i think its the last time I'll be able to do something I manage to squeeze out one more little thing in so who knows.

As of today I've stopped eating Dairy as really needed to do something about those darned immodium moments, so far so good but it never happens until late at night so there is still time! If it doesnt work I'm going to eat that whole dairy milk bar that kept on winking at me tonight, how come you always crave something when you've decided you're not going to eat it.

Tomorrow is the big half way mark, feels great but scary at the same time as the treatment intensifys and doubles after 17 treatments, they are quite cute, they dont tell you that it seems until further through.

Was talking to the radiologist and having read a few blogs it seems that as anal cancer is so rare hardly anyone is doing any research into it and this treatment I am having is really really antiquated. Guess what I will be raising money and awareness of in the future, well actually any cancer, how horrible is it, I dont like reading the stats about recurrence its just so mean and everyone you speak to has been touched pretty much in some way by cancer in some shape and form and continue to do so.

Anyway thanks to those that cheered me up by coming to see me today, JD, Jackie and Yasmin and thanks JD and Jackie for the lip gloss and nail polish and yas for more flowers, perfect pressies. Every day still a pressie day, yippee ;-)

Off for a kip now, still no immodium moment, although i fear one may be about to happen, keeping fingers and toes crossed for that one.

P.S. 20 days 13 hours 15 mins left

Night
x

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ouch!

Ok intrasite cream isnt really helping day 2 unfortunately, what a bummer, how short lived was that maybe it was the champagne that helped yesterday and not the cream at all (tee hee I'm still laughing although i have no idea why with the day I had). The pain is just building and building, I'm just praying I can hold out a day or two longer than expected with the skin breaking thing, I know how a roasted chicken feels now I can tell you especially when the skin goes a bit too crispy ;-)

Struggled to get going today, might have had something to do with being up late as much as the cancer treatment if i'm honest but i've had a tummy ache all day and tummy is swollen, hope this isnt some new side effect I am developing. I'm starting to pop quite a few pills as I need to build up the pain relief to numb everything as much as possible I guess.

Incident last night/today, involving 8 year olds and pictures of naked ladies, dont ask, complete nightmare, I want my baby to stay an innocent bless him, I just feel sorry for Amanda at least Connor didnt demonstrate what he saw, complete shocker, relieved he didnt ask me what was going on, he thinks you have babies by drinking a special potion right now. Cute. Apart from that going off I was very proud of Connor today, pleased he told us what he saw and pleased that he got an award from school for hard work (just a piece of laminated paper but very very important just the same) and some more ticks.

He told me tonight that he wanted to sleep with me, daddy had his turn last night he said, loved him so much for saying it and as he was going to sleep cuddled up he took my hand and kissed it, the littlest things are so priceless arent they and I know why I've got to keep being strong, I owe it to my boy I cant bear to see anything or anyone hurt him and I need to be here for him and all the friends that love me.

Amanda bought me cutest present today, little lavender heart to match my cushions, love it and Natalie gave me an awesome card that made me cry, just because I miss her and the words were so great. Missed another friend who I forgot was coming round, I must have been in the shower so felt really bad about that, at least she lives close by. I really must remember to put house visits in the diary!

My stomach is making a whole load of noises and I'm feeling an immodium moment coming on and connor is busy trying to push me out of bed in his sleep bless him, think the cushion in the middle is going to have to come out as otherwise I may have a very restless night.

So I'll sign off but I know you're thinking how long has she still got and I cant leave til I tell you so the answer is:
21 Days, 14 hours and 32 mins.....

Good Night.

x

Wot No Blog!!!!!

Sorry bloggers I was actually, you'll be pleased to hear having such a laugh with Natalie, Michelle and Hubby that I got to bed too late.

My new best friend is the intrasite cream my consultant prescribed, its really helping with the soreness and when my skin breaks I get one with Morphine in it, hee hee my bits are going to be high ;-)

Michelle took me to depressing St. Luke's yesterday but at least we didnt have too much of a delay, lots of different people taking me this week which will be a nice distraction, I just want to get through it as quick as possible.

I had a little granny nap in the afternoon and then Natalie showed up for dinner. God she makes me laugh, she'd been driving round in circles because she couldn't get into reverse in her hire car. I had to do it again for her this morning as well.

Best of all the perudo virgin (Natalie) thrashed phil and I did too. Girl Power. A really fun evening and I was in much better spirits for seeing two such dear friends, much more upbeat yesterday.

Thanks Girls
Love
T

P.S. 22 Days, 4 Hours and 1 Minute left

Monday, May 17, 2010

23 Days, 15 hrs and 57 mins to go....

Been down in the dumps today, bad evening yesterday which didnt start me off well but at least I didnt wake up remembering my bad dream although I'm sure I had one!

Calls and more calls this morning. Radiotherapy was a cool 3.5hr round trip, blooming fantastic, they had a suspected fire alarm and evacuated everyone half dressed, fortunately I turned up just as they were letting people back in but of course by then we were massively delayed. The walls of the place really are depressing, like some kind of prison. I made the radiographer laugh though told her I was going to give her a load of pubes on my wax as a present for being so mean to me ;-) Sorry, gross I know but thats the truth of it so you just got to laugh otherwise I would have been embarassed about doing it and I just cant stop myself molting. I asked her if anyone gets away without split skin and really bad soreness and she said, not going to lie to you, no they dont. Great!!! The dizziness at least has diminished a bit but still got mega headache and botty well I'm starting to relate to the pooing razor blades comment.

Early early appointment with Consultant tomorrow and of course have to go back again for another appointment later. Boy am I gonna moan at her, no doubshe'll take my blood, get her own back on me!

I had to cancel someone's planned trip to come round to see me tonight, I feel really bad but I really really couldnt face it, hope I'm better by tomorrow as Michelle and Natalie coming round, going to go to bed early so i can pull myself together. Connor asked to sleep with me tonight so I dont want to miss a minute of precious cuddles, sorry Daddy but you're out so Mummy gets sleeps, he was worried about banging my chest so we have a pillow in the middle of the bed, ahhh love him.

Night all.
x

Sunday, May 16, 2010

24 days, 12 hours, 17 minutes and 55 seconds......

Until the end, yippee!

I promised I would write my blog warts and all but it feels a bit all warts today I'm afraid. Sorry folks.

Couldnt get to sleep until about 3am because kept having imodium moments and had to wait for it to die down.

Had another awful dream (how the hell do I stop those), this time i was stuck upside down by my foot being dragged round a ski lift and hitting everything with my head. I have no idea why I am having these dreams, I guess its better than trying to kill a rat with your bare hands but it was quite scary.

I promised myself I'd eat really healthily now I had cancer but given that I did that before and got the blooming thing I think my body has other ideas, fish and chips, lasagne last night and now pizza tonight, all the kind of things I would never choose normally but then i'm not eating much else so i'm probably craving the sheer stodge. Anyway I'm kind of going with the flow, being sick burns a lot of calories it seems.

Connor met up with a long lost friend this morning which was so lovely to see, it was like they'd never been away from each other and when his friend had gone i realised they'd been looking through an old photo album at pictures of themselves as very young children, it was so sweet like two old men reminiscing. We also had a lovely afternoon watching prince caspian cuddled up on the sofa so all of that wasnt so bad but then I needed to have a sleep as was exhausted and this evening I seem to have gone downhill rather rapidly.

Feeling sick, dizzy every time I stand up (think the blood or blood pressure have gone), got a thumping head, bloody nose and the burning oh and the molting of course lest we forget. And I have to go back for more tomorrow and the day after and the day after, god give me strength. Right now I just cant face the thought but I will pick myself up again and get through another day tomorrow. I cannot wait to kill off this little bastard inside me, thats all that is keeping me going tonight.

Sweet dreams all.

P.S. Just did something cool that cheered me up no end, i set up my igoogle page and added a countdown! 24 days, 12 hours, 17 minutes and 55 seconds until end of this god awful treatment at the last visit....

X

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Weird dreams!

Well tonight I am dead on my feet, can hardly write this but I'm a committed blogger so obviously wont be able to go to sleep if i dont. Actually not sure I want to go to sleep if I have the same kind of dreams I've been having, last night I was strangling a dog sized rat with my bare hands and trying to boil at the same time under the hot water tap (which obviously wouldnt boil anything let alone a live rat), totally horrendous. I liken the dog sized rat to my cancer although i hope to god its a lot smaller than that, anyway it wasnt going to bite me (it was trying) and even though i woke up I was definitely winning ;-)

Chilled this morning, boys were out at football, connor wanted to wear the new (wrong) football boots, wash them and send them back, I out and out laughed at that idea so he just wore them anyway, great now we are lumbered with them!

Sorted out our trip to Cornwall with friends at beg of Sept, alas not all of them can do it but i will do something special with the others so sorry to them for talking about something nice i shall be doing without them but i am very very excited. A long long time since i've been to cornwall and I think we and the kids are going to love it, like a posh centerparcs, we've got our own hottubs on the decking, lubberly. Also booked Rick Steins and 15 (Jamie Oliver's) restaurants, I love the fact I am so organised sometimes ;-) Felt good to be in usual sorting things out mode.

Had a ickle bit of pampering this afternoon and then round to yasmins for a bit of a knees up for Wolf. It was really nice to see everyone even if me and my uncle did get a bit emotional at the end (again). Caroline gave me another "got through the week badge, well it was a card this time", I really enjoy them so she's now obliged to do them now bless her, such a kind thought.

Just had another immodium moment, for gods sake do they have shares in radiotherapy treatment or something, its a nightmare, plus I'm going bald and I dont mean the hair on my head, charming. More than enough for one day, more visitors tomorrow so better get my beauty sleep plus i need to go to the loo again QUICK.

See you all.

Nighty Night.

T
x

Friday, May 14, 2010

Blog Addicts Anonymous?

Yep I think I am actually now addicted to writing my blog, I actually tried to go to sleep without writing it and just couldnt so here I am at 1.30am in the morning, crazy mad woman!

Well the knickers turned up, they are just perfect so very happy with them. Connor's football boots also turned up but mummy has ordered the wrong ones apparently, whats the difference between astroturf and artificial grass I ask you, obviously very important factor in your game when you are an 8.5 year old!

Picked him up late from his outdoor adventures at school today and went to fish and chip shop to get him and daddy their tea (how many people get fish and chips on a friday night I ask you and what sort of people want to eat in! we waited nearly half an hour and had a giggle over a couple of choice haircuts, naughty mummy and son!) nice to do something ordinary, people seem so shocked to even see you, expecting you to look like you are at deaths door, really bizarre some of the comments you get, the thing is i'm shocked myself, the way i feel i should look different but the face isnt showing too much and the rest of it i can cover with clothes I guess.

I popped to the pub with a couple of the mums to eat our dinner before picking up the kids which was nice as really havent been out much apart from lunch in guildford this week and the stab victim in wagamama's episode.

Some visitors from work today, I could get used to having meetings in the gazebo, very civilised but apparently i left the heater on afterwards, naughty girl!

Nothing very new to report on the symptoms front, just feeling more of everything but through gritted teeth I got through another week, yippee no radio for two whole days in fact it will be a record, two whole days without a hospital visit something i havent managed for about four weeks now.

Nite Nite all, sorry this blog isnt terribly humerous, i am frankly exhausted (good job i had a snoze when i put connor to bed, probably why i couldnt sleep until now) so see you tomorrow for the next installment.

x

Thursday, May 13, 2010

A New Job?

Ok ok dont get too excited if anyone from Cisco is reading this, cant get rid of me that easily. I was thinking of becoming a professional present opener and when that gets boring, an online shopper for 8 year olds (ok just an online shopper full stop) as that is what i feel like i do every day at the minute, lucky me!

I should have been at our all hands today, sad to have missed it (honest i really was) but so hard with no car, someone has to run me around and i have this big 2.5 hr journey stuck in the middle of the day and thats if i manage to stay awake, its just impossible, so all work is now conducted in bed (email) or in the gazebo (meetings and visits ;-)

Anyway back to professional pressie opening mode, today's pressie was a massive hamper from ABS - very very nice hamper, so heavy i could hardly lift it, champers, smoked salmon and all sorts, very exciting little arrival that was, obviously wasnt worth more than £50 though ;-) How kind are people its just unbelievable. Thank you so much guys.

More embarrasing is my rather large list of online shopping today:

Boy type knickers with matching tops of course. I can no longer do elastic on top of legs, boys have the right idea much more comfy. I read about this in a blog and its true, when you've got sores the worst thing is knicker elastic, radiotherapist was most impressed i already knew about it when we chatted today. Even with all this going on i cant stand the idea of wearing skanky knickers with stupid logos printed on the arse (yes some "pink" ones that i do have have been only thing i can wear). Already dispatched apparently so something to look forward to receiving tomorrow - pressie from myself.

Elemis - like shed loads of the stuff to pamper myself with, love it and they keep doing blooming offers and i cant resist, now have an assortment of bags with elemis products, some lavender stuff and anti ageing today and some stuff to rub on my legs as cant use nice stuff anywhere else. Mind you body has never seen so much moisturiser!

A BBQ E-Cloth set for Phil, bet he'll be excited about that pressie (NOT) well i did buy him some elemis moisturiser that he likes too.

Some very bright pink nail polish to brighten up my toes, just not sure i can be bothered to get down there to do put it on and dont worry girlies you dont need to offer I've got a lady that does coming to do it for me in a week or so ;-)

And the list for Connor who is not blooming stupid and knows if you want mummy to get you stuff, ask her to put you to bed and look at the computer together. He is fixated with footballs at the moment, not football as much just the bloody balls. Honestly!
So for him I've ordered:

A new football (what else) - he said he'll pay, a likely story
Two new football outfits - ok totally my fault he didnt ask for those but he needs them
New football socks - deffo needed them, will clash horribly with his new shoes which havent shown up yet but will he care, no.

Then there were the rubbers, pencil, lead for said pencil, erasable pens and pencil sharpener he asked for.

I would have liked to have added the hot tub to the list but alas not, hurry up hubby!

Oops excuse me immodium moment! back in a tic.

How am i feeling, well it isnt getting any better, right on the edge at the moment and trying not to let it win me over as a long way to go and the thought of feeling ill every day is rather depressing. I feel tireder, very sore (but radiographer not interested until skin has actually split, thanks) and nauseous again (NO!!!!!!!), radiographer said thats normal about this time and is caused by radio build up. Bleeding bits and metal taste in the mouth, these last things apparently caused by the chemo even though i dont have it right now. Drinking more water though which has helped a bit with the burning and drank some cranberry (with a sneaky vodka in it), I heard cancer doesnt like it!

I figure the worse i feel the worse the cancer feels and i have to go through this to get out the other side so really trying to keep myself busy with visitors every day, which leads me to this evening. Sorry to say not a lot to report, everyone was running late, lovely to see annabelle and her mum and the girls but we were all tired so quite a subdued affair and betty's new beau wasnt drinking so all in all not a lot to report i'm afraid, although he seems very nice. The gazebo is getting well used, can definitely recommend one.

One more sleep bloggers and one more radiotherapy and then a weekend off thank goodness. Connor is keeping us busy with parties and football at the weekend and visits from long lost friends and next week i have different volunteers every day practically to take me to the hospital and even a very special person cooking me lunch one day for when i return (yummy).

Thank you all you special people, its not true what people say that everyone is there and then forgets after the first week, well not for me anyway, an awesome feeling and with that thought i'm going to go to sleep and hopefully not have the dreams i keep having about spiders and fake eyelashes, dont ask.......

Night

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Down in the dumps!

Burn Baby Burn, thats me tonight, I am starting to be really really sore as the day has progressed and i've still only done 7 of my 28 treatments (today they were running early, typical)! yikes, drinking shed loads of water and needed more immodium this evening.

More lovely pressies this morning from Sheila and the pressie i bought for a friend arrived which i was mighty pleased with. I'm pretty sure she liked it.

Apart from that a pretty uneventful day trawling through email. My (currently ex) personal trainer popped in to visit me, which just reminded me that i haven't done anything resembling exercise for at least a month ;-(

Ate fish and chips which is rather unlike me but they were pretty yummy. Hubby out and Connor asked me some tough questions about the big "C" which i really wasnt in the mood to answer. I know its on his mind that i could die, I hope i reassured him enough, no chance i am going anywhere, I mean who would make sure he does his homework ;-)

Night all. Friends round tomorrow and betty's new beau so I'm sure I will have lots to tell you ;-)

T

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Not for Boys!

Good evening all,

Now if you are a boy reading this and you're the kind of bloke that just had to read this blog as soon as it said it wasn't for boys then you probably don't mind reading about girly stuff like facial hair, bikini waxes, lillets and the time of the month. if you are not that kind of boy then you might want to avoid the bit i've labelled in big letters - THE GIRLY BIT, dont say i didnt warn you, I mean I could leave it out or do two blogs but it wouldnt be me now would it ;-)

An eventful day all in all. Had to drop Connor to school as Phil had early meeting but was supposed to be at Guildford for 8.30 am remember to see the consultant, well needless to say we werent, traffic was horrendous and frankly i just couldnt be bothered to rush for a change. I know I should have but I just thought I was ok and needed to get some bits of school uniform for my giant of a son who had a fight with a tree and ripped a whole in his trackie bottoms and with outdoor adventures coming up on Friday we couldnt have that could we poor little lamb. Having been fleeced (get it) I dispensed with said stroppy lamb, why was he stroppy i hear you ask, because i wanted to ensure he got across the crossing without running into a car, or could have been anything right, boys honestly!

Off we trundled to Guildford, got told off for being late, she had to leave for her Clinic, sorry Dr Essapen! Dont know what was up with me this morning, just no sense of haste, I hate that feeling of being stressed when you are late and knew i would have been if i stopped to think about it as no way on earth i could have made it. Obviously should have arranged for someone else to take Connor but wasnt organised enough like i usually would be, hey ho need to sort that one for next tuesday as back to the same problem, i promised i wouldnt be late of course.

Anyway they still wanted their pound of flesh, well pint of blood actually but my bloods were good, booked reflexology lady (very nice) for next week. Spoke to Brigitte (top tipster lady who was there again), such a sweet lady, her horse got bumped but its running again this week, is it a good omen this time, probably will be now none of us are betting on her! Anyway yee hah I was free to go so off to Guildford for a little looksie, ok maybe a little bit more than looksie but nothing drastic. Bulgari Blv, limited edition l'eau ete, now there is a nice perfume, yummy, bought some of that so i can freshen up St Lukes. Smallest bottle, biggest packaging, cheeky so and so's!

11.45am - darn it cant be arsed to walk around with ironically slightly sore arse and other areas so we go for lunch. Only people in the place but seems nice enough. Now another one of my amusing stories, where do i find these people. The manager was definitely having a bad day, he'd only just opened and a policewoman walked in and wanted to talk to him about some girl that had been in his bar saturday night and been found unconscious, fallen in action in guildford without her shoes or coat or handbag. Girls how disgraceful we've never done anything like that have we ;-) Policewoman asks what his policy was ,how could he let a girl leave in the state she was in or serve her a drink. He tried to wriggle his way out but she had him on the hook, "how do you know she was here?" he says, "because my mate came and found her shoes, coat and handbag here when we found her later on" she says. Oh dear anyway he gets bored of trying to tell her how saintly they are and decides to flatter her by offering discount to her and her colleagues if they want to come in. I thought how shocking but the policewoman seems fine with it, so off she goes. Thats pretty uneventful in itself but just part of my story. Next thing some woman on her own comes and sits next to us, very important on the phone or earwigging our conversation all through our lunch and hers, nosey woman with the most hideous handbag i have ever seen. Eventually at the end she asks for the bill and says something stroppy to the waitress who gets the manager (told you he was having a bad day). Turns out she is the disgruntled mother of some girl that got sacked and so ensues an ever more heated conversation. (I'm loving this, got my own big earwig back on her) At which point the older lady sitting the other side asks them to go have the conversation somewhere else because shes just trying to eat her lunch! The disgruntled mummy then has a complete go at the old lady and strops off. Top Show. Oh my goodness better dash just realise my appointment is now in 15 mins time for Radiotherapy.

Boys look away now.....

THE GIRLIE BIT

Rush to the loo (i am wearing white trousers of course what else), what my time of the month, like clockwork, it just cant be, i sit there dazed I'm not supposed to get these things any more, i just had major surgery on them. My back has been hurting the last couple of days where my ovaries have been moved to I just didnt realise it was period pain, honestly god dont give me a sodding period now that was the only good bit about this whole stupid thing. Girls I have since had the most god awful heavy heavy thing and the pain, well its just bizarre, its under my ribs and in my back. Unbelievable, thank god for lillet machines that work for a change is all i can say and at least i havent got my best undies on (boys i told you not to read this bit). The thing is I am now starting to bleed all over, gums are bleeding and the last two days i've noticed a nose bleed, its not a big flood but every time i put a tissue to it its red. Maybe i should have spoken to Dr Essapen after all, oops. Oh well i feel ok and my bloods were still good and I ate loads and loads at lunch.

END OF GIRLIE BIT. Boys you are safe again.....

Dash in the door of radiotherapy smelling of eau d'pee or whatever, oh no thats st lukes not me, I smell of gorgeous Blv ;-) How late are they today i ask knowingly, they arent she said you're next, oh heck great big dash, in out in a flash and off home again. I was the chirpiest thing they'd seen all day i'm sure of it, think i should go out before radiotherapy more often!

Back home I cant even see my front door to get in, three more bunches of flowers (thank you so much Azlan, Sheila and Duncan and Sam! Amazing, I am officially a florist, if you ever dont have enough vases please do come and see me.

Boys, well they go to bed and watch Nottingham Forest against someone, think Blackpool, sorry Hubby not very good at the football lark and us girls well we watch the Biggest Loser Australia Final, unbelievable Bob lost over 50% of his body weight and looks amazing, they all do, major fake tan and white teeth going on. I know c**p program but i'm bored of watching the no called election, hoorah brown is finally out. Sorry if you like him, personally i dont but his speech was quite nice.

Never seem to get to the bottom of the email box although i've tried tonight, biggest loser is perfect backdrop you see because then we watch flash forward and i have to concentrate on the story and there arent quite as many emails getting done, awesome program, did i tell you that already ;-)

Of course couldnt go to sleep without writing my blog so hope you've enjoyed it although its been quite a long one. All in all a positive day although the sore thing is building, hold on tight it could have been worse if it had been later on in the treatment, sorry going back to girlie bit now so I'll say goodnight, sleep tight.

Lots of Love from a fairly chirpy
T

Monday, May 10, 2010

Uneventful day!

Not too much to report today, I know boring cow I hear you say.

More lovely visitors bearing gifts, thank you Rebbeca and Jo. The CT machine obviously broke down today as they were running like 40 mins late at the lovely St Lukes, then i was in and out in about 3 mins flat (senior radiographer!) typical, 2 hour round journey for 3 mins. Starting to burn now, trying not to think about it.

Can they move my appointment tomorrow to something useful, like close to my 8.30am appointment with my consultant, dont be stupid its at 2.10pm of course, cheers and then they'll be late of course. Was hoping to drop in on our mgmt meeting in windsor but going to struggle somewhat me thinketh, might just have to go for a little coffee and piece of cake in Guildford instead ;-)

Catching up with Flash Forward, awesome program, I love it!

Sleep tight.
x

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Down to earth with a bump!

All was going so well since my last blog, went to have a little rest, didnt have a sleep but got excitedly busy planning my post treatment treat with my closest friends ;-0

Lovely Nick and Annabelle and the girls were coming round for dinner so jumped in the shower and when i came out thought i would take the plaster off my chest where they removed the line yesterday, OMG how big a scar?!? I was just so taken aback i thought it would be tiny like all the others but its not, I know its not that bad but I feel so ugly with all these wounds on me. Tried to get my act together, came downstairs and completely lost it (sorry Nick and Annabelle), i know its stupid, vain, irrational and everything, i guess it was just the shock.

Pulled myself together and we had a lovely dinner and then just as was bathing and putting connor to bed oh my goodness, like i needed the toilet fast. I cant face talking about poo having discussed my wee in soo much detail so lets just say i needed some immodium. I am also getting quite sore, like they said radiotherapy keeps on working even when you arent having it, deep joy.

20% through, climbed some mountains but know everest is ahead so need to recharge tomorrow me thinketh. Oh no St Luke again I am dreading it already.

Consolation: My beautiful boy telling me how much he loves me and holding my hand while he went to sleep. He's switched on more than we realise, he asked me about the treatment this week, what it is what its going to be like, i said it was like burning and he said that will make you really tired, I said exactly and he said thats good mummy you can sleep with me at night, sooooo cute so you see always a silver lining as they say.

Night all.
x

Chemo with Champagne Chaser!!!!

Exactly, not a great combination is it but i thought my little cancer mate was feeling a bit down after his dose of poison all week so i thought i'd give him a whole load of alcohol to give him an even worse headache! Dont know about him but i've certainly got one and just had to do a mega clean up took me blooming hours, and i was trying to do connor's homework with him at the same time. It's true I am superwoman really. I need a little weekend cleaning fairy I think. Betty you are amazing doing that all week and she did an awesome job yesterday helping us preparing for the grand gazebo opening event. She is an absolute diamond. In fact shes such a love we are going to take her on holiday again with us when this is all over, Italy this time to see our rather cool friends, natalie and maurizio ;-)

How excited was i yesterday to get rid of my chemo line, it felt amazing even though i still have the stupid portacath in my chest I dont care and no radiotherapy cos its the weekend so I almost felt like my old self yesterday. I even chatted through my granny nap instead of zzzzzzzzzzz'ing.

So the gazebo opening was truly a success, i think i can safely say, lovely to see a few old and new friends, a few sore heads and eyes if phils are anything to go by. Goodness knows what time we went to bed but it was LATE. Phil only got up at 12.30pm lazy tike but got him to take connor to football tournament for 3 hours as penance (tee hee he just got there and has rung me moaning so he obviously didnt realise) which means now i have done all the cleaning I can have a little lie down, maybe a bit of internet shopping even ;-0

Just listening to my voicemail and my beautiful Natalie has made me smile, someone said to her "Cameron has won" and she said "who the tennis player", is there even a tennis player called Cameron, loving the blondness even if she isnt actually blonde! Sorry for publicly embarassing you Natalie but it was too good not to share. I wont tell them about the buttons well at least not in todays blog ;-)

Oh yes and by the way if the person that sent me the Jo Malone candle is reading this can you own up, i totally totally love it but ive only gone and thanked the wrong person for it, there didnt appear to be anything on the box saying who it was from (and now of course i've chucked it) but a friend had told me they were sending me something to use with my new hot tub (which we havent ordered yet but boy do i want to) at the same time as it arrived so i just put two and two together and made six hundred! I am so so sorry to whomever did send it because it's truly beautiful, great pressy for me and you must think me so ungrateful because i havent even thanked you.........

More friends coming over for BBQ in the rain later which will be nice, the gazebo is so cool you dont even know or care its raining. Sure Phil will be looking forward to more cooking in the rain.

All in all pretty positive I think, I've hardly had to mention the Big "C" in this blog or the stupid things that come with it, moments of normality are so so precious right now ;-)

See you all later, have a good Sunday.
x

Friday, May 7, 2010

Connor's Secret Garden

Connor's Secret Garden - Well cute! Lets hope the judges like it in real life ;-) They liked it, he came 2nd and his picture is a pretty good likeness to the real thing bless him.


Tonights gonna be a good night!!!!

As the record goes..... well it was a good day to be honest, just the thought of getting rid of the darned chemo line tomorrow really perked me up as did a few whiticisms this evening from betty the nanny (lumley apparently has paws but no legs and that said with major conviction and bobbi brown is the current prime minister, you get the gist, totally blonde comments), laughed so hard my stitches hurt! Even better i thrashed her and phil at cards and they'd better not try and say its because they were being nice to me or else!

So how was today? woke up from a bad, weird dream, something about running and running to prove to everyone i could cope with cancer and everyone was trying to catch me and tell me to stop, most bizarre and i was very glad to wake up from that one. Then a load of calls this morning interspersed with the electrician cutting off the power and a visit from JD. So lovely to see him now he's escaped the volcanic cloud. Mental note to self, must remember bacon and salted butter for next visit though.

Then felt hugely hugely sick, had to leave the room, just awful and really really didnt want to go to see Saint Luke, i hate him already and the burning of the botty routine. I'm always flashing my pants cos ive got nowhere to put my chemo bottle, oh well sure the cheap thrill is cheering up the old chaps in there.

Back home and had my granny nap as i'm going to call them from now on, i cannot actually survive the whole day without it, how unbelievable. Thankfully David turned up otherwise i probably would have slept until Dinner time. Had a lovely chat, more flowers, very very nice ones i might add which i gave a little charring to in the gazebo, more of that later.... Phil, David and I shared what might be called intimate stories but given my blog nobodys anything is very intimate and private any more. Its actually quite liberating though i must say, honestly everyone i meet has had something happen to them or have got something wrong with them.

Had yummy dinner and looked at my chemo bottle to see oh yippee, its nearly empty, god is that an exciting thought. Connor has school garden judging competition tomorrow afternoon and I can go and look almost normal for him as get rid of the line tomorrow lunchtime at the hospital, he and I are very very excited about that! Sunday he has a football tournament bless him, he's well into it. He announces he needs new shoes, of course he does, the really expensive cool blue ones. Well he is my son folks so what else would you expect!

Hubby is gazebo mad, trying to do new playlists except there dont seem to be many new songs bless him, he is so excited, buying lanterns and all sorts for it, it is uber cool (when you have the heater on but two bars does fry anything under it as we found out with the flowers ;-)

As you can tell very upbeat as i go to sleep tonight, i've got eastenders recorded to watch and the thought of hopefully not feeling sick tomorrow, when i see all my friends, to look forward to, what else could a girl wish for ;-)

Night Night all, I see my fan club growing every day, i cant believe all you lovely people reading and enjoying it and sending me such amazing messages but I'm so glad you do, obviously a closet writer in me trying to get out. I believe and hope its helping everyone understand how it feels just from one little persons perspective. Honestly i'm not a hero though, people say how do you deal with it, well the thing is you just do because you have to unless you stop breathing. Its all about attitude and if i'm negative i dont believe i will beat this thing, life is full of ups and downs its just that right now my ups and downs are around a lot simpler things and maybe that isn't such a bad thing. OK enough with the deep stuff i'm off to watch c**p eastenders now and if you want to know why, well hell my life could be as bad as one of theirs right......

T

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Day Three - Election 2010

Crikey I feel like someone who has jumped off a cliff, i am going downhill so fast its quite scary. Burning has started (that is not good trust me, like bad cystitis so far) and I am so so tired and nauseous already.

Had an old friend and fellow cancer sufferer around today, it was so lovely to see her and compare notes, she's doing good so gave me good hope!

Whats the good news, well saturday lunchtime get rid of the chemo line. Phil has invited the whole world it feels like to celebrate the royal, official opening of the gazebo, I hope I can last, might need to have a catnap in the afternoon!

Had a nice cuddle with my boy this evening, but heart wrenching conversation around my cancer, connor is sad that other children talking about me at school, I dont know what to say, its bound to happen. He admits he doesnt like the thing in my chest and is excited at me getting rid of it at the weekend. He asks me how it compares to our friends sisters cancer and then "gulp", papa's. I tell him its really different they couldnt fix papa but they can fix mummy, lets hope he believes me. Love him soooooo much, he went to sleep cuddled up next to me which felt nice but he is a wriggly monster so was bit worried about getting hit!

Now watching the election, my god if i see any more stats or show like performance, just get on with it I say...........

X

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Is it really only Day Two!

Today was tough, struggled to get up and going this morning as felt so sick and the anti sickness tablets dont seem to be helping much and really struggled to sleep with this darn line attached.

Worked quite a bit to catch up with email and some planning but much more exciting was the arrival of our pagoda (stunning) and more pressies and cards, Blimey i'm overflowing with all your wishes and bouquets (thanks helen & simon and john p) and ginger biccies (annabelle) ;-) And a beautiful jo malone candle for the hot tub i obviously now need to order (thanks its gorgeous Sheila) not to mention donuts from charlie and magazines and papers and pills from annabelle.

All of which thoroughly cheered me up I have to say and took my mind off the sickness at least for a little bit.

Hubby took me and his ipad for a visit to the cheerful st lukes today, saw some of the people from yesterday, thats just weird, dunno why just odd seeing the same strangers day after day. this place is packed with poor sufferers, one bald headed lady is ecstatic, its her last day, i cant wait for that day, 26 more sessions to go.

Oh well i guess baby steps, one at a time towards the end, at least the sucker must be dying a little bit by now.

Nite Nite
x

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

1st Day Down!

Hi all,

I'm sure you are all dying to know how the first day went. Had a bad nights sleep panicking about being attached to chemo until saturday but really happy not to have the catheter ;-)

My oncology guy is a sweet gay guy who made it very painless for me dearie. Had first chemo fed through then the 24x7 hooked up, thats the one i get to take away in my massive skiing bum bag!

Lots of waiting around between them and radiotherapy, talked to a nice lady of 75 who's still fighting and has been hhaving various chemos for 4 years, longest ever! over 100k on insurance already, bet they love her! She owned race horses, i mean famous ones, one was running today "take my hand", kieran fallon on its back, well of course i think it must be an omen, given she was riddled with cancer probably should have realised it was a bad one! favourite and came nowhere, dont think hubby was too impressed with my top tip........

Talking about hubby can you believe he had the same doctor as me at his bupa health check today. He hugged her, I'm sure much to her consternation and blubbed bless him. That is just so spooky. I think comforting for him. Anyway he's got high blood pressure and cholesterol so no more choccy for him!

Radiotherapy well it really takes about 9 mins to set you up and one minute of treatment, its unbelievable that something could do so much damage in such a short period of time. It was truly uneventful apart from pain of lying on tummy and my chemo line.

I feel really nauseous tonight, i guess thats first side effect kicking in, they gave me anti sickness but its not helping much, yuk, dont want to deal with this, think maybe ate too much in one go , going to take some adjusting. Worried about ripping out chest line to chemo in my sleep so different intrusion to catheter but still hooked up just the same, i'll let you know how that goes.

Connor total cutie tonight, asked to see my wound, we talked about the "ouch" and showed him the "medicine", he was so lovely, been talking to his teacher so hopefully he is coping ok, seems to be thanks to everyone around us hes seeing loads of his mates which he loves!

Thank you brian and josie and paul and caroline for the lovely cards you may have sent them before but forgot to open the post box at the weekend.....

Good night, god just sneezed that really really hurt, mustn't do that again.
x

Monday, May 3, 2010

Yippee, Catheter free!!!!!

How sad, i am so excited my bladder is happily working on its own again so rather than dwelling on what is to come tomorrow i'm sitting here with a big grin on my face!

4 hours and 4 samples later they let me go. Popped into Windsor as needed some more pain so thought i'd get the old eyebrows threaded, pre treatment, everyone looking at me. Oh yes still look like stab victim, so preoccupied with catheter i nearly forgot about that. Oh well whatever.

Feeling a bit faint by that point and realised i hadnt eaten so suitably "trackied" up looking totally chav and of course sporting stab wound decided that wagamamas needed to see me too.

Sneakily drove, gonna be a while now, the things i'm getting excited about these days, sorry betty but never thought going out in windsor looking like a chav driving my toyota yaris would ever be classed as exciting but trust me it was, now a ferrari would have course have been better but unless i've got any unknown blogger fans who are reading this and want to come and see me, its very very unlikely to happen!

Hubby came back enthusing about hot tubs, i say lets just buy the beauty! Off for crafty kip, lets see how long it lasts.

X

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Saturday night at A&E!!!!

Well happy Sunday evening to you all bloggers! I did say if i was bored you might get two blogs yesterday and you almost did except then i decided to go partying down at a & e, what a way to spend saturday night.....

All started fairly peacefully I was kind of chilling around the house doing a bit of work, watching the box and helping the boys make choccy cake, which was quite amusing. I felt a bit tired and thought id have a sleep which just didnt really happen (yes betty that was you keep coming in and out choosing 10 outfits!) and then yasmin popped round for a bit of a chat so gave up on the sleep idea, cooked the dinner instead and went to take connor to bed. STOP! Hold on a minute something yukky, was I leaking, no, oh my god but boy was I swollen down there and in pain.

It's about 9.30pm at this point, ring consultant (yes i have his phone number get me), yep off to a & e and check if you have an infection he advises, i'll tell the gynae team you are coming. Cool I think, oops need someone to take me otherwise i need to drag phil and connor out so poor Yas is called back and off we trot.

Its now about 11pm, some very interesting people in A & E with not very many clothes on it has to be said. See the nurse, can i have a urine sample he says, sure i say and roll up my trouser leg, a funny moment taking a urine sample just like that, think i might have to try a urinal next (god girls i am only joking!).

Now about midnight, lying on a bed in a hospital gown in a shared room with a curtain seperating me and the other gynae patient. blooming gynae had only had to go off and do an emergency caesarian, thanks mate, but you know what it was worth it all to hear the conversation next door. Stupid other gynae patient is worried cos she keeps being sick, whats wrong with her, shes 8 weeks pregnant, been down a & e four times in the last week, boy is she going to have a long pregnancy! honestly some people, no other blooming symptoms but her partner is worried because in his work he meets an awful lot of people from around the world and hes worried hes caught some rare, tropical disease and passed it on, what does he do i hear you ask, is he a pilot, IT Director perhaps or an international translator, nope hes a bus driver at heathrow airport! can you believe it. Doctor says, deadpan, do you have any symptoms of a deadly tropical disease?, no he says! Well i think you can go then he says.

I am like lying on this gurney trying not to piss myself laughing, except i am, i cant help myself, hold on a minute, only had a couple of gulps of some revolting strawberry water and i've peed over a litre, what is going on, told you i was becoming obsessed with the darn stuff, great colour though ;-) Finally its my turn, I see the gynae and then some registrar and consultant rock up, heard all about me from my consultant (like 6 hours ago by this time), anyway quite dismissive, all my symptoms are apparently perfectly normal for someone whos had their ovaries transposed, so is there anything else wrong with me? well apart from having cancer i say no i'm absolutely grand. Stupid bloody question. Back home, time stealing monster has been, its now 2.30am!
(Have you noticed me swearing a lot in this blog, i do apologise its been a tough 24 hours.)

Off i go to my little room, feeling down, got to put on my night catheter, i just so desperately want to get rid of this thing and i havent had a poo for a week either. Bloaty monster. Wake up with an awful sensation, shit my leg is lying on my catheter lead, its backing up, move leg, phew it drains off, disaster averted. Wake up, feel fed up, nothing has changed, still got catheter, pee is no longer good colour, cant believe first thing i think about is pee when i wake up, i will never ever take my bladder for granted again.

Lovely gorgeous amazing friends coming round, with food, later, hoorah. Hubby still in bed, check, son playing x box, check, no ones been fed, check and lumleys locked in kitchen, its nearly 11am, blooming heck. Stressed but just know i've got to stop worrying about eveything, what can i do, i can get connor off that game, feed him (with his help) and help him do his homework. Leave the washing up, lucky hubby.

Connor little angel, does his homework albeit rather slowly and after managing to con me into watching program on tv with him and then helps me hoover and dust the front room. Got to keep up appearances at least around the house. I look a scruff, I know it ( and before you say i dont i know for me i do) but people coming in half an hour and cant wear a single normal thing, oh well at least you cant see the scars with a big tracky top on.

Friends what would you do without them, make you laugh, make you cry (michelle your card was just beautiful that i received this week), i feel so bad i cant even keep up with the thank yous frankly, just know and have it publicly stated here i love you all and i have a little plan but i cant share it with you yet ;-) You are my strength and my energy, still havent heard from f''ing parents but even if i did it would not be anything positive so why do i even care or bother.

I heard from a couple of old friends this week whom i have lost touch with, a real shame and i'm sad this is what has brought us back into contact, why cant we all just love each other all the time but i guess this is what the experience teaches you, cant wait to meet up with them next week, unfortunately one of them has cancer too so a lot to talk about, i hope we can help each other.

Lovely lunch, thanks lads, everyone is exhausted, phils sister pops in on way back up north from london, feel bad her big birthday has almost passed me by i've been so preoccupied. Lovely to see them, more blooming tears, just when you thought you didnt have any more another lot comes along. Always love their company. Hope to see them again really really soon, love you if you are reading this. x

And now there is just me (oh and the beep of the sodding dishwasher), the boys have gone to bed and i'm writing my blog and watching c**p tv.

I'm really excited, why i hear you cry, cos hopefully i get rid of this darned catheter tomorrow, pray for me that i can pee on my own when they fill me up tomorrow! and my consultant is such a sweetie, hes going to come and look at my swollen bits, check i'm ok.

I guess thats it bloggers, i'll catch up with you tomorrow. Oh one last thing, sorry hubby for being a mare, just too much of a perfectionist, i know you've been trying and i know its hard for you. I love you and I know you love me and I am very grateful for the support, honest, just could you please please get up with connor in the morning and feed him and bring me a cup of tea at 8am................... ;-)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Something to read along with your breakfast tea ;-)

Ok well i know some of you have told me you are waiting for my blog every day so i dont want to disappoint and i know you'll be desparate to know how the pampering went.

All i can say is hats off to people that unfortunately have to use catheters all the time, I've only had it for a day (outside of hospital where i never moved anyway) and I have become pee obsessed, off i trot emptying it every two minutes there is something quite unnerving about carrying pee around outside your body and i'm completely paranoid its going to leak so must have emptied it a 100 times last night, surely i cant pee that much. I had a little afternoon snooze, (too much general and a bit of work and couldnt keep my eyes open) woke up and thought better empty my bag as needed to pop out and get some money, betty only took me to the garage and as i got out of the car the thing was completely full again! Brings new meaning to the saying water on the knee. Honestly i thought the thing was going to burst or i'd have to hop out and pee at the side of the road but that really would have scared people.

Anyway enough of pee, back to pampering, 8 lovely girlies and a lot of pampering, lovely idea, thoroughly enjoyed it even if i wasnt my usual bouncy self. I did have a couple of glasses of champers too which was nice. We worked our way nicely through 9 bottles or more so someone was enjoying themselves anyway. I know everyone was worried about me and if i'd survive the evening but i did and i'm really glad i did it, brought a little piece of normality to my somewhat crazy life right now.

How do i feel right now well gotta admit i have certainly felt better, not sure bloating from champers is what i needed on top of everything else and can now feel the pain from my tummy properly and its mighty sore. Good thing is i get to boss hubby around so hopefully he is off making a cup of tea and sorting connor out but you never can say for sure with him.

We're in different rooms now, its really odd, in some ways it was a relief as i would have been worried all night about being knocked and so far have hidden the catheter (and tummy) from connor who looked shocked when he just saw my neck let alone anything else but it feels sad too not being with my boys. Lovely betty has moved out of her room upstairs for me, I'm just really lucky i have ensuites and stuff it must be so tough for a lot of people and thats what i'm trying to think about today, i have the best healthcare money can buy, i havent had to share a room in hospital, i have amazing friends and a hubby and his family that love me, i work for the bestest company in the world and have a beautiful home to recouperate in, what more could i ask for. Not to have the goddamn shit thing if i'm honest but there you go, no use crying over spilt milk is it.

All the things i am used to doing at the weekend have gone out of the window so not really sure what the day ahead holds hopefully some peace and quiet (connor and phil having a little tiff downstairs as per usual so better go and butt in!)

See you later peeps, you never know if i'm bored you might get two posts today.....