With my little boy, ahh so cute, big cushion down the middle of the bed this time so he doesnt push me out, little monkey! Dont you just love them when they are asleep, love him anyway but uber cute when he's asleep and sooo cuddly.
I dont like these injections one little bit, Dr Essapen might think I needed them, but I reckon it was just to give me some real pain. Lady Nurse did it today, she wanted to put it in my stomach, no chance I was letting her near my stomach so it was the other leg but it hurts so much I cant tell you and they make me feel sick (again I hear you say, is there anything that doesnt!)
Another couple of visitors today, more flowers and lots of yummy biscuits, thanks girls! Having such lovely girly chats every day, really enjoying it ;-)
Felt very dodgy towards the end of the day and had to have a little lie down and then Connor woke me up to put him to bed, even though I was already there. We read spongebob together, of all things Connor wants to read that to me every night. I am desparate to read Harry Potter or something cool like lion the witch and the wardrobe series but no we got to read Spongebob, honestly what went wrong. Maybe one day my son will want to read a "proper" book but not any time soon me thinketh.
Hubby did a nice thing for me today, I am going (in wheelchair as walking very far is quite painful these days as is wearing anything resembling normal clothes, thank goodness for hot weather and floaty maxi dresses) to Black Eyed Peas Concert on Thursday and he's been talking to the management company trying to get me to meet them. Bless, that was such a sweet thing to do, I absolutely love the BEP and am very very excited to go. Nothing (well almost nothing) is going to stop me going, just hope my immunity is up to scratch as sure I'm not really supposed to mingle with crowds. Like I said just try and stop me. Hoping I will have some hair left by then, was having really girly moment today thinking what on earth can I actually wear, tell you one thing it wont be and thats jeans. Oh dear they are my staple attire, unless i have some very very baggy ones they just wont do at all.
Well another day, another dollar as they say, time is gradually passing and every time I write my blog its another day down.
Only 15 Days, 13 Hours and 50 Mins to last treatment now, tomorrow will be the magic 14 number which means only two more weeks. Yippee.
Off for more Connor cuddles now. Night
x
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Battle Continues -- I'm definitely winning!
Hi Bloggers,
You'll be pleased to hear I'm in good spirits, absolutely no idea why, nothing has changed in fact if anything its got worse and we had an almost 5 hour round trip today trekking backwards and forwards between two hospitals but you know what I beat that blooming consultants expectations and my skin didnt actually break, yippee so that must be the reason why I'm upbeat!
Before I carry on I should say Dr Essapen is a thoroughly professional and nice lady but its much more fun to think she had to get her own back on me for daring not to split my skin as she had instructed ;-) She begrudgingly said I was doing well but was there a little glimmer in her eye when she told me my white blood cell count was low and she needed me to have a series of 3 injections to get the old bone marrow into overdrive. I think there was. I'm sure there was particularly when she could tell me about the side effects ;-)What an injection, a great big prick in the thigh, I actually shouted out loud. John (the lovely gay guy) asked if I'd like to do the other two myself, even gave me directions on how to do it, yeah right I said bloody funny and absolutely no chance, I mean I can't even look at what he's doing everytime he takes blood, no chance of me sticking a needle anywhere at all let alone in my stomach or leg. He's good and it really really hurt! Reads rude sorry about that, couldnt help it I'm in a jokey kind of mood tonight.
Hubby took me today, really nice that he was there as was such a long trip, we did sneak in a quick bite to eat and an icecream as well though which was lovely. I know I said I'm not eating dairy but seem to have the runs every night so thought what the hell to another night I can always be good tomorrow can't I. Had a bit of a potential ouch moment when Hubby went to remove loose hair off me but of course it wasnt hair it was one end of the stiches across my chest, made my teeth go all funny just thinking about how painful that would have been, OUCh!
Hair still falling out, Dr Essapen said dont wash it so much, she just wants me to look s**t as well as everything else, I told you ;-) Anyway apparently rarely happens with this chemo but happening with me, just shows how well its working, great can it just work on the cancer cells instead please. Also found out that a friend has been diagnosed with cancer of the tongue, yuk, not nice so I'm thinking about them tonight, just starting out on this treatment road and realised I'm kind of a veteran at this point and more than halfway through. Hoorah. Dr Essapen kept trying to tell me it was 14 treatments today, think she wanted to sneak in another one but i'm watching her I told her its 15, she argued, I won (well that little battle anyhow).
Well thats about it for today folks, been working all night, prepping for my team meeting that I wont be able to attend, but its good, everything is carrying on as it should and I want to say a big thank you to my team (especially james for that) now if you could just bring a couple of $m extra in July you'd be my favourite team ever ;-) Tell you something funny, do you know what a may bug is (otherwise known as a cockchafer, honest i didnt make that name up but its very rude!), well if you dont they are absolutely scary, disgusting flying bugs and we get loads of them (thankfully just in may). Phil and I have been sat in like 100 degree heat with all the doors and windows closed because we are both so petrified of the disgusting things, all fluttery and horrid, natalie climbed under the table last week when we were in the gazebo and one flew in.
Guess what only: 16 Days, 13 Hours and 4 Minutes until my last treatment. Hubby booked me a personal shopper for afterwards so I can get something beautiful for Dave and Nina's lovely wedding, how exciting and cool is that.
All joking aside, I have a quote thingy on my igoogle, look at the one for today:
"You must take personal responsibility, You cannot change the circumstances,
the seasons or the wind, but you can change yourself!"
Its so true, I cant change the fact I have cancer or what happens to me in the process, but I can be the best person I can be, take hold of all the love that is coming my way and know that I will come out of this the person you all believe me to me, better, stronger and most importantly a cancer survivor. Thanks for believing in me everyone I couldnt bear to make you all sad another night.
Lots of Love
X
You'll be pleased to hear I'm in good spirits, absolutely no idea why, nothing has changed in fact if anything its got worse and we had an almost 5 hour round trip today trekking backwards and forwards between two hospitals but you know what I beat that blooming consultants expectations and my skin didnt actually break, yippee so that must be the reason why I'm upbeat!
Before I carry on I should say Dr Essapen is a thoroughly professional and nice lady but its much more fun to think she had to get her own back on me for daring not to split my skin as she had instructed ;-) She begrudgingly said I was doing well but was there a little glimmer in her eye when she told me my white blood cell count was low and she needed me to have a series of 3 injections to get the old bone marrow into overdrive. I think there was. I'm sure there was particularly when she could tell me about the side effects ;-)What an injection, a great big prick in the thigh, I actually shouted out loud. John (the lovely gay guy) asked if I'd like to do the other two myself, even gave me directions on how to do it, yeah right I said bloody funny and absolutely no chance, I mean I can't even look at what he's doing everytime he takes blood, no chance of me sticking a needle anywhere at all let alone in my stomach or leg. He's good and it really really hurt! Reads rude sorry about that, couldnt help it I'm in a jokey kind of mood tonight.
Hubby took me today, really nice that he was there as was such a long trip, we did sneak in a quick bite to eat and an icecream as well though which was lovely. I know I said I'm not eating dairy but seem to have the runs every night so thought what the hell to another night I can always be good tomorrow can't I. Had a bit of a potential ouch moment when Hubby went to remove loose hair off me but of course it wasnt hair it was one end of the stiches across my chest, made my teeth go all funny just thinking about how painful that would have been, OUCh!
Hair still falling out, Dr Essapen said dont wash it so much, she just wants me to look s**t as well as everything else, I told you ;-) Anyway apparently rarely happens with this chemo but happening with me, just shows how well its working, great can it just work on the cancer cells instead please. Also found out that a friend has been diagnosed with cancer of the tongue, yuk, not nice so I'm thinking about them tonight, just starting out on this treatment road and realised I'm kind of a veteran at this point and more than halfway through. Hoorah. Dr Essapen kept trying to tell me it was 14 treatments today, think she wanted to sneak in another one but i'm watching her I told her its 15, she argued, I won (well that little battle anyhow).
Well thats about it for today folks, been working all night, prepping for my team meeting that I wont be able to attend, but its good, everything is carrying on as it should and I want to say a big thank you to my team (especially james for that) now if you could just bring a couple of $m extra in July you'd be my favourite team ever ;-) Tell you something funny, do you know what a may bug is (otherwise known as a cockchafer, honest i didnt make that name up but its very rude!), well if you dont they are absolutely scary, disgusting flying bugs and we get loads of them (thankfully just in may). Phil and I have been sat in like 100 degree heat with all the doors and windows closed because we are both so petrified of the disgusting things, all fluttery and horrid, natalie climbed under the table last week when we were in the gazebo and one flew in.
Guess what only: 16 Days, 13 Hours and 4 Minutes until my last treatment. Hubby booked me a personal shopper for afterwards so I can get something beautiful for Dave and Nina's lovely wedding, how exciting and cool is that.
All joking aside, I have a quote thingy on my igoogle, look at the one for today:
"You must take personal responsibility, You cannot change the circumstances,
the seasons or the wind, but you can change yourself!"
Its so true, I cant change the fact I have cancer or what happens to me in the process, but I can be the best person I can be, take hold of all the love that is coming my way and know that I will come out of this the person you all believe me to me, better, stronger and most importantly a cancer survivor. Thanks for believing in me everyone I couldnt bear to make you all sad another night.
Lots of Love
X
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Low
It started out a good day, buying a hot tub, yes bloggers we finally went and ordered it. Lovely Hubby wangled a bargain, actually a very good bargain, its awesome, its also absolutely huge, as big as a room, literally! Delivery, end of June so better get a move on with the patio, oh darn thats my bit to organise so better get on the case.
We then spent a lovely afternoon at the Marlows but I was getting really sore towards the end of it. Since then I have rapidly deteriorated as has my mood, probably started with the fact that handfuls of hair came out in the shower this morning (i mean from my head!). They said I wouldnt lose my hair, well they might have said probably and maybe I wont lose all of it but still fairly shocking and its carried on all day and I dont even have the chemo attached right now. Just shows how long its in the system for.
My stomach is going crazy I've been to the toilet several times but I dont think I'm done yet. Skin is getting all red and blistery now and I am seriously in agony. Hubby just caught me crying, sorry just cant help it, feeling sorry for myself tonight, just not sure how I can get through another 3 weeks of this treatment particularly the week with chemo, would be nice if they could knock me out for about a month right now.
Well Dr Essapen is going to have a nice time tomorrow when i dump my list of woes on her! Hoping to feel more upbeat after a good sleep. See you tomorrow. Night x
P.S. 17 Days, 14 Hours and 40 Mins to go......
We then spent a lovely afternoon at the Marlows but I was getting really sore towards the end of it. Since then I have rapidly deteriorated as has my mood, probably started with the fact that handfuls of hair came out in the shower this morning (i mean from my head!). They said I wouldnt lose my hair, well they might have said probably and maybe I wont lose all of it but still fairly shocking and its carried on all day and I dont even have the chemo attached right now. Just shows how long its in the system for.
My stomach is going crazy I've been to the toilet several times but I dont think I'm done yet. Skin is getting all red and blistery now and I am seriously in agony. Hubby just caught me crying, sorry just cant help it, feeling sorry for myself tonight, just not sure how I can get through another 3 weeks of this treatment particularly the week with chemo, would be nice if they could knock me out for about a month right now.
Well Dr Essapen is going to have a nice time tomorrow when i dump my list of woes on her! Hoping to feel more upbeat after a good sleep. See you tomorrow. Night x
P.S. 17 Days, 14 Hours and 40 Mins to go......
Sorry
Sorry no blog last night, I came over all poorly and had to go to bed (well not before rushing to loo of course, more big ouch!)
Didnt do a lot yesterday except test out whether my skin really was a lot more sensitive to the sun whilst having chemo! pleased to report I am goddamn lucky to have my olive skin and having come back from Dubai the skin held up well to a bit of blighty sun. Odd sort of tan though, a lot of me has to be covered up. Blooming gardeners turned up just as we got settled so we had fun shouting at each other and flashing bits at them accidentally (NOT). Hey ho at least the stripes are back it was beginning to look a bit like a recreation ground.
I watered all the garden, popped to the garden centre and made the dinner and I think just plain wore myself out, honestly how pathetic am I, how can I be superwoman and not still be able to do everything, I get so frustrated.
Hubby has promised to get the hot tub, not that I moaned at him for about half an hour yesterday, so I am off now, jump in the shower and drag him and connor off that darned game that is their life to the garden centre before feasting on the marlow's hospitality, yippee ;-)
Bit of sunshine sure makes you feel more upbeat, till later bloggers. Enjoy.
T
Didnt do a lot yesterday except test out whether my skin really was a lot more sensitive to the sun whilst having chemo! pleased to report I am goddamn lucky to have my olive skin and having come back from Dubai the skin held up well to a bit of blighty sun. Odd sort of tan though, a lot of me has to be covered up. Blooming gardeners turned up just as we got settled so we had fun shouting at each other and flashing bits at them accidentally (NOT). Hey ho at least the stripes are back it was beginning to look a bit like a recreation ground.
I watered all the garden, popped to the garden centre and made the dinner and I think just plain wore myself out, honestly how pathetic am I, how can I be superwoman and not still be able to do everything, I get so frustrated.
Hubby has promised to get the hot tub, not that I moaned at him for about half an hour yesterday, so I am off now, jump in the shower and drag him and connor off that darned game that is their life to the garden centre before feasting on the marlow's hospitality, yippee ;-)
Bit of sunshine sure makes you feel more upbeat, till later bloggers. Enjoy.
T
Friday, May 21, 2010
Razor Blades!!!!
Goodness, did so well today and then I literally went to the loo and swear I must have passed razor blades, I cannot believe how painful that was, I'm in shock, I think I will have to stop eating if that is what is going to happen. Bucket loads of Aloe Vera, but poor body still trying to get over it. Anyway enough of that I'm sure you get the picture.
Lovely visitor this morning, Vicki, with more pressies, I really could get very used to this, the champagne with a straw tickled my humour in particular.
Then Annabelle and I went to St Lukes and got some lunch on the way back. I took us to the grottiest pub ever thinking it was the one up the road, oops was a bit late as we'd already ordered our food, never mind I'm still alive so the food poisioning escaped us today. Lovely sights in there, goodness something out of a Viz magazine, rather amusing but god knows where they come from, certainly not Windlesham she said in a stuck up snobby kind of way ;-) No Russell Crowe either, I dont know, so little excitement. Was exciting to get out of the house for something other than being zapped though.
What a gorgeous beautiful day to celebrate being half way through the treatment. I still dont think my skin has actually broken yet, desperately hanging on for dear life, hopefully the consultant will be pleased with me on Monday.
Off for some serious ZZZZZZZ's now, they are such a welcome relief from the pain when I am awake although it does kind of just become a background noise when its there all the time. Distraction has been good today it really does help take your mind off things.
Hubby says I havent been talking about him enough, sure he's going to be painting the fence tomorrow so I can rave about him (NOT!) Bless him he made me a drink and has scuttled off to play "Call of Duty", how much do I hate that game!
Lots of love to you all
x
Lovely visitor this morning, Vicki, with more pressies, I really could get very used to this, the champagne with a straw tickled my humour in particular.
Then Annabelle and I went to St Lukes and got some lunch on the way back. I took us to the grottiest pub ever thinking it was the one up the road, oops was a bit late as we'd already ordered our food, never mind I'm still alive so the food poisioning escaped us today. Lovely sights in there, goodness something out of a Viz magazine, rather amusing but god knows where they come from, certainly not Windlesham she said in a stuck up snobby kind of way ;-) No Russell Crowe either, I dont know, so little excitement. Was exciting to get out of the house for something other than being zapped though.
What a gorgeous beautiful day to celebrate being half way through the treatment. I still dont think my skin has actually broken yet, desperately hanging on for dear life, hopefully the consultant will be pleased with me on Monday.
Off for some serious ZZZZZZZ's now, they are such a welcome relief from the pain when I am awake although it does kind of just become a background noise when its there all the time. Distraction has been good today it really does help take your mind off things.
Hubby says I havent been talking about him enough, sure he's going to be painting the fence tomorrow so I can rave about him (NOT!) Bless him he made me a drink and has scuttled off to play "Call of Duty", how much do I hate that game!
Lots of love to you all
x
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I love Aloe Vera!
Well its helping a little bit, thanks Yasmin for rushing out to buy for me and taking me to see St Luke today. I've been slathering on the aloe vera all afternoon, hoping for some relief, its the itching that is driving me really crazy and not really something one wants to be doing in public!, I think it helped a little bit, dont think the skin has actually broken yet but its got to be real close, determined to prove Dr Essapen wrong and not break by the weekend. I mean Doctors what do they know ;-)
Had dreadful nights sleep, my little monkey all arms and legs all over me but I wouldnt have him any other way, made me proud again today, been really cute writing extra stories to earn ticks at school and I just about managed to take him to swimming, felt such a big achievement, he really is very good and it was lovely to feel like I could do something useful, not sure how much longer that is going to last but every time i think its the last time I'll be able to do something I manage to squeeze out one more little thing in so who knows.
As of today I've stopped eating Dairy as really needed to do something about those darned immodium moments, so far so good but it never happens until late at night so there is still time! If it doesnt work I'm going to eat that whole dairy milk bar that kept on winking at me tonight, how come you always crave something when you've decided you're not going to eat it.
Tomorrow is the big half way mark, feels great but scary at the same time as the treatment intensifys and doubles after 17 treatments, they are quite cute, they dont tell you that it seems until further through.
Was talking to the radiologist and having read a few blogs it seems that as anal cancer is so rare hardly anyone is doing any research into it and this treatment I am having is really really antiquated. Guess what I will be raising money and awareness of in the future, well actually any cancer, how horrible is it, I dont like reading the stats about recurrence its just so mean and everyone you speak to has been touched pretty much in some way by cancer in some shape and form and continue to do so.
Anyway thanks to those that cheered me up by coming to see me today, JD, Jackie and Yasmin and thanks JD and Jackie for the lip gloss and nail polish and yas for more flowers, perfect pressies. Every day still a pressie day, yippee ;-)
Off for a kip now, still no immodium moment, although i fear one may be about to happen, keeping fingers and toes crossed for that one.
P.S. 20 days 13 hours 15 mins left
Night
x
Had dreadful nights sleep, my little monkey all arms and legs all over me but I wouldnt have him any other way, made me proud again today, been really cute writing extra stories to earn ticks at school and I just about managed to take him to swimming, felt such a big achievement, he really is very good and it was lovely to feel like I could do something useful, not sure how much longer that is going to last but every time i think its the last time I'll be able to do something I manage to squeeze out one more little thing in so who knows.
As of today I've stopped eating Dairy as really needed to do something about those darned immodium moments, so far so good but it never happens until late at night so there is still time! If it doesnt work I'm going to eat that whole dairy milk bar that kept on winking at me tonight, how come you always crave something when you've decided you're not going to eat it.
Tomorrow is the big half way mark, feels great but scary at the same time as the treatment intensifys and doubles after 17 treatments, they are quite cute, they dont tell you that it seems until further through.
Was talking to the radiologist and having read a few blogs it seems that as anal cancer is so rare hardly anyone is doing any research into it and this treatment I am having is really really antiquated. Guess what I will be raising money and awareness of in the future, well actually any cancer, how horrible is it, I dont like reading the stats about recurrence its just so mean and everyone you speak to has been touched pretty much in some way by cancer in some shape and form and continue to do so.
Anyway thanks to those that cheered me up by coming to see me today, JD, Jackie and Yasmin and thanks JD and Jackie for the lip gloss and nail polish and yas for more flowers, perfect pressies. Every day still a pressie day, yippee ;-)
Off for a kip now, still no immodium moment, although i fear one may be about to happen, keeping fingers and toes crossed for that one.
P.S. 20 days 13 hours 15 mins left
Night
x
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Ouch!
Ok intrasite cream isnt really helping day 2 unfortunately, what a bummer, how short lived was that maybe it was the champagne that helped yesterday and not the cream at all (tee hee I'm still laughing although i have no idea why with the day I had). The pain is just building and building, I'm just praying I can hold out a day or two longer than expected with the skin breaking thing, I know how a roasted chicken feels now I can tell you especially when the skin goes a bit too crispy ;-)
Struggled to get going today, might have had something to do with being up late as much as the cancer treatment if i'm honest but i've had a tummy ache all day and tummy is swollen, hope this isnt some new side effect I am developing. I'm starting to pop quite a few pills as I need to build up the pain relief to numb everything as much as possible I guess.
Incident last night/today, involving 8 year olds and pictures of naked ladies, dont ask, complete nightmare, I want my baby to stay an innocent bless him, I just feel sorry for Amanda at least Connor didnt demonstrate what he saw, complete shocker, relieved he didnt ask me what was going on, he thinks you have babies by drinking a special potion right now. Cute. Apart from that going off I was very proud of Connor today, pleased he told us what he saw and pleased that he got an award from school for hard work (just a piece of laminated paper but very very important just the same) and some more ticks.
He told me tonight that he wanted to sleep with me, daddy had his turn last night he said, loved him so much for saying it and as he was going to sleep cuddled up he took my hand and kissed it, the littlest things are so priceless arent they and I know why I've got to keep being strong, I owe it to my boy I cant bear to see anything or anyone hurt him and I need to be here for him and all the friends that love me.
Amanda bought me cutest present today, little lavender heart to match my cushions, love it and Natalie gave me an awesome card that made me cry, just because I miss her and the words were so great. Missed another friend who I forgot was coming round, I must have been in the shower so felt really bad about that, at least she lives close by. I really must remember to put house visits in the diary!
My stomach is making a whole load of noises and I'm feeling an immodium moment coming on and connor is busy trying to push me out of bed in his sleep bless him, think the cushion in the middle is going to have to come out as otherwise I may have a very restless night.
So I'll sign off but I know you're thinking how long has she still got and I cant leave til I tell you so the answer is:
21 Days, 14 hours and 32 mins.....
Good Night.
x
Struggled to get going today, might have had something to do with being up late as much as the cancer treatment if i'm honest but i've had a tummy ache all day and tummy is swollen, hope this isnt some new side effect I am developing. I'm starting to pop quite a few pills as I need to build up the pain relief to numb everything as much as possible I guess.
Incident last night/today, involving 8 year olds and pictures of naked ladies, dont ask, complete nightmare, I want my baby to stay an innocent bless him, I just feel sorry for Amanda at least Connor didnt demonstrate what he saw, complete shocker, relieved he didnt ask me what was going on, he thinks you have babies by drinking a special potion right now. Cute. Apart from that going off I was very proud of Connor today, pleased he told us what he saw and pleased that he got an award from school for hard work (just a piece of laminated paper but very very important just the same) and some more ticks.
He told me tonight that he wanted to sleep with me, daddy had his turn last night he said, loved him so much for saying it and as he was going to sleep cuddled up he took my hand and kissed it, the littlest things are so priceless arent they and I know why I've got to keep being strong, I owe it to my boy I cant bear to see anything or anyone hurt him and I need to be here for him and all the friends that love me.
Amanda bought me cutest present today, little lavender heart to match my cushions, love it and Natalie gave me an awesome card that made me cry, just because I miss her and the words were so great. Missed another friend who I forgot was coming round, I must have been in the shower so felt really bad about that, at least she lives close by. I really must remember to put house visits in the diary!
My stomach is making a whole load of noises and I'm feeling an immodium moment coming on and connor is busy trying to push me out of bed in his sleep bless him, think the cushion in the middle is going to have to come out as otherwise I may have a very restless night.
So I'll sign off but I know you're thinking how long has she still got and I cant leave til I tell you so the answer is:
21 Days, 14 hours and 32 mins.....
Good Night.
x
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